399: How couples can rebuild desire

Jun 22, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast

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Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Courtney Fay Long about common challenges couples face with desire discrepancy, losing spark, and the pressure–rejection cycle. Long shares how prioritizing sex earlier in the day, expanding sex beyond intercourse into connection, and using “all-day foreplay” (texts, appreciation, support) can help, along with resting to relax the nervous system before intimacy. They discuss sex as a form of stress relief and self-care, and emphasize reducing goal-oriented pressure by collaborating on alternatives and honoring limits. Practical tools include a playful desire-box exercise with written requests, intentional “pleasure dates” focused on themes like joy or receiving, self-soothing for the higher-desire partner, and creating a “treasure map” of turn-ons/turn-offs across stages of connection. They also recommend regular appreciation practices and more non-demand touch to rebuild closeness.

00:00 Better Sex Intro
01:03 Meet Courtney Fay Long
01:22 Why Sex Matters
02:55 Redefining Sex and Connection
03:20 Make Time and Energy
04:20 All Day Foreplay Basics
06:40 Sex as Stress Relief
08:18 Desire Jar Game
12:10 Pleasure Dates Plan
14:30 Mid Episode Subscribe
15:09 Pressure Kills Desire
17:15 Self Soothe and Connect
19:55 Treasure Map Talk
23:04 Touch Starvation and Hormones
26:41 What Helps Couples Reconnect
29:01 Where to Find Courtney
30:07 Podcast Outro

Jessa’s Substack: https://jessazimmerman.substack.com/

Bio:

Courtney Fae Long is a Sexuality Educator and TEDx speaker with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples build deeper intimacy, confidence, and emotional connection. She holds a Master’s degree in Social Work and specializes in desire discrepancy, helping people understand why “low libido” is often misunderstood.

Her TEDx talk on the surprising connection between intimacy, happiness, and success has reached over 800,000 viewers. Courtney is known for her grounded, science-informed approach that makes conversations about intimacy accessible, practical, and free of shame.

www.courtneyfaelong.com