417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern

Sep 14, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.

00:00 Show Intro and Guest
01:20 Michelle Origin Story
03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame
08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From
10:58 Unshaming Through the Body
14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame
18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy
19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages
21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath
25:14 Safety and Context
26:54 Partner Involvement
28:45 Communication Over Timing
30:04 Evidence Based Tools
31:19 Mindfulness and Practice
33:46 Solo Training Methods
35:41 Couples Sensate Focus
37:29 Presence Not Distraction
39:24 Shame Is Universal
40:20 Book Launch and Resources
44:30 Website and Tools
45:59 Closing and Credits

All of Jessa’s resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.