419: Formula for Desire in Long-Term Relationships

Sep 21, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Anna Elton about her book The Formula of Desire and why desire commonly fades in long-term relationships. Elton shares how her research interviewing over 700 couples led to frameworks and assessments for relational desire, emphasizing that desire often declines or gets redirected (to other people, parenting, careers, or self-focus) when couples stop cultivating the conditions for intimacy. They discuss spontaneous vs. responsive desire, the importance of anticipation, addressing resentment and emotional disconnection, and how neglecting the “couple persona” can leave partners stuck in logistics and family roles. Elton also explains how rigid sexual scripts create stagnation and offers strategies like flirting, novelty, and conversation starters. She introduces six “erotic currencies”—initiation, seduction, imagination, receptivity, validation, and mystery—and points listeners to assessments and exercises (including A-to-Z date nights) at theformulaofdesire.com.

00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Meet Dr Anna Elton
03:16 Why Desire Fades
05:09 Spontaneous Versus Responsive
07:47 Desire Redirected Elsewhere
10:08 Three Selves Balance
14:29 Neglect And Quiet Quitting
17:11 Mid Episode Quizzes
17:38 Sexual Scripts Explained
18:40 Break Routine Together
18:55 Fantasy Jar Icebreakers
19:49 Flirting And Lightness
21:46 Chores And Mental Load
22:28 Courage To Address Fear
23:53 Assessments To Start Talking
25:26 Six Erotic Currencies
25:38 Initiation And Seduction
28:23 Imagination And Receptivity
29:18 Validation And Mystery Dates
31:25 Tools And A To Z Dates

Jessa’s quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Dr. Anna Elton, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist, speaker, educator, and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger Publications). With more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, she specializes in relationships, intimacy, desire, communication, and emotional connection.
Dr. Elton teaches doctoral students in clinical sexology and is a sought-after speaker who has presented nationally and internationally, including in Canada, Italy, Japan, and Australia.
Her expertise has been featured in TIME, Reader’s Digest, Real Simple, Psychology Today, Newsweek, Parade, ELLE, and numerous other media outlets. She has also appeared as a relationship expert on PBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC. Through her clinical work, research, writing, and speaking, Dr. Elton is dedicated to helping people build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.