Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

What if I told you someone can go from zero libido to wanting sex again?

I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples with desire discrepancy. And often, the “lower desire partner” has little to no libido. Both people think that’s just the way it is.

And I don’t have to tell you that their desire matters. You don’t want them having sex with you as if they’re doing you a favor or checking a box. Both people have to want sex in order for it to be fulfilling.

The truth is that there are two kinds of sex drive, but only tend to know about one. Your partner probably has the other, hidden kind. The kind that needs to be nurtured and coaxed out. The kind shows up after you start, where they end up getting in the mood. But this kind of desire has to be treated differently. It moves slower, it needs the right on ramp, so it needs input from your partner, and it needs “maybe.”

So many couples treat sex like it’s all or nothing. Like if we start this, we need to finish. Like it has to lead to a certain act or outcome. Your partner likely won’t even start if they feel like they are committing to the “whole thing.” You won’t even get a chance to tap into their desire if they feel that kind of pressure.

It’s also true that they are probably up against real obstacles! Legitimate things that block their desire or affect their sexual functioning or pleasure. Think about the long list of things can affect people’s sexual interest: body image issues, depression and anxiety, work stress, relationship issues, trauma, grief, overwhelm, shame and inexperience, and pressure.

It’s crucial that you move as many obstacles out of the way as well as create space for that hidden desire.

So when it comes to making sex easy and fun again, you need a way to both want sex. I’ve got a video showing you that you can help your partner want sex again so it never feels like a chore and you can have a sex life that is truly fulfilling for both of you.

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why do so many people start to avoid intimacy or sex?

It actually makes perfect sense when you understand what’s going on. And once you do, you can change it.
I coined the term “sexual avoidance cycle” because I saw that pattern with client after client. Here’s what happens.
When you have sexual experiences that don’t meet your expectations, they seem to go wrong or be a problem, you’re going to have negative feelings about that. I mean, at the least, disappointment. But maybe feelings of inadequacy, fear and worry, resentment, dread, rejection…
It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad. So when sex goes badly often enough, it’s normal to avoid it. Why would you go skipping off to the bedroom if there’s a good chance you’re going to run into those feelings? If you’re going to feel broken, guilty, self conscious, If your partner will be disappointed, sad or frustrated?
The problem is, nothing is going to get better if you avoid it. It doesn’t just solve itself. And in fact, it increases the pressure. There is more pressure on your sex life – we should be having sex, and we’re not. I want sex, and I’m not getting it. But there’s also more pressure on the sex you do have. If you have sex frequently, whatever that is for you, no big deal if one time doesn’t go that well, right? We’ll do it again on Sunday, or whatever. But when sex is infrequent, each time seems to matter more. This time better work or go well because who knows when we’ll do it again. There’s more pressure that it work, that it satisfy, that it disprove our underlying fear that something is wrong.
But how can it go well under this kind of pressure? How can you really relax and enjoy when there’s that much pressure on it? When the stakes feel high? You can’t. You’re way more likely to have a hard time and have yet another encounter that disappoints.
And then round and round you go.
If you’ve been struggling with lack of sex and sexual avoidance, this is probably why. You’ve gotten caught in the cycle, and you need a way out. If your partner seems like they don’t want sex, like they are avoiding it, I can promise you they are stuck in that place of feeling all the negative feelings related to letting you down and sex not going well or being easy. Not wanting sex makes them feel bad, and that makes them avoid the whole thing.
If you want to know more about unlocking their desire and escaping the cycle, I’ve got a video for you about helping them want more sex despite how it’s been going so far.
Sexless marriage or headed that way?

Sexless marriage or headed that way?

If you’re in an otherwise pretty happy relationship, but you’re in a sexless marriage or relationship (or worried you’ll end up there), despite your best effort to talk to your partner about it, schedule sex, or plan more dates, I’d like to show you how to get your partner to want sex without it ever feeling like a chore so that the two of you can both be satisfied. Even if you typically struggle to get them to do anything about it because of their lack of interest.
The number one thing I want you to take away from this article is that you can revive a sexless marriage by focusing on helping your partner actually want sex; it is the only way you’re going to have a thriving sex life… which is not the same thing as getting them to just have sex.
Finding a way for your partner to enjoy sex, so it’s for them, too, is key to a sex life that really works for both of you. Think about it like this… It’s like going on a picnic. What if they never put anything in the basket they like to eat? What if it’s always the cured meats you happen to love? How long will they really be excited to go on a picnic with you? How long before they dread it? Avoid it?
The first thing you need to know about finding your partner’s desire for sex is that the goal is for sex to actually be easy and fun for both of you. No more sexless marriage or relationship, struggles over frequency, or whether the stars are aligned, or how long it’s been…Now it can be something you both actually look forward to.
Simply put, if your partner doesn’t actually want sex, then they’re either not having it (hence, the sexless marriage or relationship) OR they’re having sex they don’t want. Neither of those options is good for either of you. And in fact, that will damage your relationship over time.
Both of you wanting sex is how you get a sex life that’s fulfilling and fun… Unlike scheduling it or begging for it or getting it done like an item on their to do list where it only feels more and more like they’re doing you a favor or completing an unpleasant chore.
However… you have to get your partner on board to deal with this in order to make this work. And how are you going to do that when they’ve made it pretty clear they just don’t have desire, they aren’t that interested in fixing this, or completely avoid the subject?
Now I teach this inside Intimacy with Ease, but let me give you the basics because this seems to be one of the biggest takeaways for students inside of this course, for example, “We are now able to enjoy each other without putting pressure on ourselves. We think of our intimate time together as play now. We are no longer trapped in a cage we built with our own hands.”
When I first started helping couples, I ran into the problems with desire discrepancy with every single client! However, I focused on ways to help the “lower desire” person find things they wanted, that they’d find engaging, that would give them a reason to look forward to sex, and it worked because it didn’t force them to do things they didn’t want to do, it didn’t focus on meeting a quota, and it didn’t set them up to feel like they were failing or broken.
That’s when I realized: your partner’s desire is key to your sex life working for both of you. They need access to their own desire.
Then, sex is working. It’s easy. It’s fun. And the two of you no longer have a barrier or a dark shadow or a disconnection to drive you apart. Now, you can feel totally close and connected.
But I get it. Maybe your partner won’t even begin to talk about this, much less do anything about it because they don’t have any desire, or at least not much. They haven’t felt it in a long time. They probably think this is just the way they are. They feel stuck and hopeless. They are probably just as unhappy in this sexless relationship.
And maybe you’re like this too. “No way my partner is going to get on board with this. We can’t even talk about it anymore without it feeling worse…”
So if you’re thinking, there’s just no way my partner is going to want sex, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk to them about this, this is just the way it is…I want to show you the five common things you’re probably doing that are turning your partner off and making them avoid this whole thing – my “Stop 5 Strategy.”
Because if you’re feeling hopeless, googling “living with a sexless marriage,” pondering divorce or breaking up, or feeling like you might just have to accept this part of your life dying and you’re going to go the rest of your life without the sex you’d like to be having… I want to show you how by stopping these five things you can win over your partner without increasing their sense of pressure or bringing up their resistance or defensiveness.
Now, obviously, I can’t get your partner to suddenly want to jump your bones every day, but I can show you how to open the door to their desire.. I know you might be thinking, “I mean, I know it’s not good, but it’s not THAT bad.” But do you really want to wait until it’s THAT BAD before you do something about this? If you’re struggling with unhappiness about the desire discrepancy now then you definitely don’t have time to let this grow and fester, where it could eventually threaten your relationship itself.
So this Stop 5 strategy is like a defense melter for your partner to be willing to work on this with you so you can heat it up! And make sex easy and fun and just one great part of an already good relationship.
The Stop 5 strategy training is a bonus that I created for students inside Intimacy with Ease. But I’m gonna link it up for you, for free,  because my paid clients and students have gotten so much value from it, and I want to get it to as many people as possible. It can make that much difference! I think once you see how easy it is to get your partner to work on this with you, that actually lets you have more sex together, you’ll be able to start getting the satisfaction you want and see that it isn’t such an uphill battle because your partner wants it, too.
Then it’s gonna feel so good to create a fun and easy sex life and see how close you feel and how little you even have to think about sex anymore!
#225 – Boozy Bestie Advice for Sex and Relationships – Desiree Simone

#225 – Boozy Bestie Advice for Sex and Relationships – Desiree Simone

Listen to “Ep225: Boozy Bestie Advice for Sex and Relationships – Desiree Simone” on Spreaker.

Boozy Bestie Advice for Sex and Relationships 

For the last episode of the Better Sex Podcast, blogger Desiree Simone shares her journey on divorce and how it led to her blogging her feelings as she was going through the process. More than a decade later, through her blog that evolved into a podcast, Desiree lets us in on the most common mistakes that she gets from people regarding relationships, dating and sex and the kind of advice she gives on every challenge and mistake. 

Top bad decisions people make about relationships  

With the onslaught of social media, one common mistake is still having a social media communication with your ex-partner. It is one thing when you just want to see what the other person is up to, but even just looking is a form of engagement. There is a slippery slope in this scenario, although still on a case-by-case basis, of becoming a little bit obsessed as to what they’re doing and looking at it every day. There’s a great danger of going down that rabbit hole of really trying to get additional information. You then would wonder why is it important to you all of a sudden? Are you really just platonic Facebook friends? The emotional response is the one that you need to be careful of because it can get you asking whether you still have feelings for your ex? Am I really over this person? Am I ready to move on? 

You also must think about the effect it would have on your current partner once they find out that you still have that emotional connection that you are holding on to. Ask yourself: How would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing? If you realized you wanted to get back to your partner, you have to be honest even if it will make you look bad. 

Another problem still related to social media is the need to make all aspects of the relationship public. It tends to create chaos because you are inviting other people to put their two cents in. Ask yourself: Why do you need to do it and to what gain? Creating an image of a perfect relationship or marriage on social media is dangerous as it feels the need to compete. 

Top bad decisions people make about sexual relationships  

The biggest mistake people make is not openly communicating to their partner the things that they like and do not like. It is important to let your partner in. We all must be better at being able to talk effectively to our partner about things that work or do not work for us. Sex is about you too and not just your partner. It is important to find ways to make the experience amazing for both parties. Fake orgasms do not serve anybody, and you will be miserable doing it. 

Another thing in line with this is talking about things that you might want to try. Do not repress it because you might end up being resentful in the end. You should feel comfortable enough with your partner to open up. If you are on the receiving end of this, you should welcome any conversation without judgement, even if it is something you don’t have any interest in doing. Be accepting, even if you are not interested and try to find a happy medium. There should be no kink shaming. 

Another thing is the issue of watching porn and masturbating. Some people think that this is a form of cheating. If this is an issue, it is important to step back and really understand where your partner is coming from and why they have this thought about porn and masturbation. From there, start to peel the layers to understand but whatever you do, do not feel like it’s your responsibility to change your partner’s mind. 

Biography: 

Desiree Simone is a blogger and host of the “Break Bottles, Not Hearts” podcast. She’s known as “The Boozy Bestie”, your go-to friend who helps with relationship issues with love and good cocktails. Originally from Georgia, Simone has a dual degree in Public Relations and Rhetoric and worked for Carnival Cruise Lines for over 10 years as a Production Singer. Her take on love, sex and dating is equal parts honest, funny, inappropriate and vulnerable. Never shy to make fun of herself and learn from her mistakes, she enjoys being a safe space for all those who venture in the world of love, hoping they are not alone. 

Resources and links: 

Podcast: Break Bottles, Not Hearts 

Instagram: @iamdsimone 

Blog: Desiree-Simone.com 

More info: 

Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com 

The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com 

The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com 

Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com 

Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore:  https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass 

#224 – Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges for Sex – Paula Leech

#224 – Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges for Sex – Paula Leech

Listen to “224: Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges for Sex – Paula Leech” on Spreaker.

Paula Leech 

Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges for Sex 

In the quest to know the various kinds of things that get in the way of sexual desire, sex therapist Paula Leech walks us through two situations that probably have the most profound impact on sex life and interest in being sexual for couples, particularly in women: pregnancy and having a baby. What are the challenges and opportunities, as well as strategies for people who are in either of these stages? 

Sexual struggle while trying to get pregnant/during pregnancy 

Fertility is getting more and more challenging nowadays because of the life that we live in, so more and more couples are struggling to get pregnant and needing to have intervention. What we know as a natural human process now becomes an intense one, and all the anxiety can just hijack it and make it all so hard. As a result, sex can become something that is very clinical, high stress, high pressure, and obligated. The fun and the casual nature of it can shift. Having to do the process month after month on a somewhat scheduled basis can have a dramatic change in the nature of a couple’s sex life and can really impact their experience and interest in being sexual.  

Barriers to intimacy after giving birth / adding a child to the family 

Giving birth or having an addition to your family changes your life, and your sexuality is profoundly impacted by this. Your world just flipped upside down, and the reality is that your body will be in survival mode. It will take different amounts of time to recover. The baby’s needs are so consuming; your spouse’s sexual needs can easily go down the priority list. Physically, changes after birth can also complicate sexuality. Chemically, having sex with the partner can be replaced by bonding with the baby as mothers get the same kind of hormones. So, the biological reality is you can easily lose desire to have sex during this period for the first one or so years. 

Reconnecting with partner 

During these two phases, challenges around sex and finding connection with your partner are discovered. On top of the insane amount of change happening, you can also find yourself renegotiating the roles in your relationship with your partner, as well as getting to know your partner as a co-parent. This is also the phase where you will be finding yourself, as well. When you can’t find yourself, you are not going to feel good about sharing yourself with another person. Desire is such a complicated recipe. You got to feel tethered to yourself enough and be comfortable in your own skin to be able to show yourself.  

How to maintain a sense of intimate connection, maintain some focus on pleasure and presence 

There is no going back to normal after either of these processes. Anxiety is the primary culprit for most sexual dysfunctions. if you are stressed, the body shuts down sexual functioning. Also, this may be the first time that you will be confronting a big change to your sex life, but it definitely won’t be the last thing you are going to adapt to because your sexual life will just undergo natural changes (as you get older, for example). Bear in mind that this is a season. This is a hard, painful, and vulnerable experience for couples to go through, and there is no going around it. It may require talking again about what intimacy means now, how to expand that definition of intimacy and find ways to get connected with your partner. Seek help if needed. Most importantly, give yourself a lot of credit and grace as you are navigating the most profound amount of changes in such a small amount of time.  

Biography: 

Paula received her bachelor’s degree in Family and Human Development at Arizona State University and then went on to receive her master’s degree in Family Therapy at the University of Massachusetts, in Boston. Post family therapy licensure, Paula became AASECT (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified as a sex therapist and worked with individuals, relationships, and families in private practice in Boston, Massachusetts for ten years. In that time, she received AASECT certification as a Supervisor of Sex Therapy and co-founded a sex therapy agency and training institute where we saw clients in addition to training therapists to become competent, confident sex therapists themselves. Paula continues to regularly present at various training institutes as well as Universities and therapy agencies across New England. 

Resources and links: 

Website: https://www.paulaleech.com/ 

Instagram: @paulaleechtherapy 

More info: 

Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com 

The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com 

The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com 

Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com 

Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore:  https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass 

 

 

We use cookies to give you the best online experience. By agreeing you accept the use of cookies in accordance with our cookie policy.