Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Let’s talk about how to approach your partner about your desire for more intimacy in your relationship.

This is the first pillar of my Intimacy with Ease program that is all about enticing your partner into the process of improving your sex life and becoming teammates in a way that makes intimacy easy for both of you. But to do that, you have to be able to bring up the conversation in a way that makes it easy for them to join you.
What most bedroom burdened couples do is either avoid the topic altogether OR bring it up in ways that end up in fights or hard feelings. So what happens is at least one of you feels defensive, inadequate, or hopeless, and nothing actually gets better in the bedroom. And it gets harder and harder to bring the whole thing up again.
We are going to cover 5 steps for how to actually approach your partner so they are going to want to work with you to address whatever issues you’re having in your love life.
How well do the two of you talk about difficult topics? Are you experts at staying on the same team when you Have differences of opinion or competing needs?
That’s why the very first step is to master communication skills that allow you to talk about the toughest subjects So that you can work as a team on this instead of alienating her or making your partner defensive Good communication creates connection. And you need connection for intimacy. How you are going to have the intimacy (and sex) you want if your communication causes disconnection instead? And I know you may be thinking, But Jessa, we’ve tried talking about this, and it doesn’t go well! In effect, you’re concluding that it’s not worth it to try to talk about it. But the thing is, communication is a skill. There are tools to use so that you can be heard, and so can your partner! What is you could communicate in a way that totally changed the conversation? You can lead the change in how the two of you talk about this.
If you don’t know how to communicate well and keep the conversation connected and supportive, you’re likely to drive your partner away or continue to have sex be a point of tension or conflict. You need to learn the 3 most important skills and a framework for these conversations that allow you to both feel heard And results in feeling like you’re on the same page, same side of the table, working toward win/win.
Step Two is that you have to get clear on what you think is going on, your perspective on what’s happening and how you got here. Because when you do this, you’re able identify what’s going wrong and what you would like to be happening instead. This means you are focused on a positive outcome instead of just focusing on the past.
Step Three is to figure out how you are part of the problem. Every situation is co-created. You may have spent a lot of time in your own feelings of disappointment, rejection, frustration, and despair. You may have been focusing on your partner’s lack of desire and the lack of sex in your relationship. If you keep focusing on what they aren’t doing, they’ll keep feeling broken and guilty and aren’t empowered to change anything. The truth is you have a lot to do with why sex has become difficult, and it’s crucial to focus on your own steps in this dance so that your partner sees you taking responsibility rather than just blaming them. and that encourages them to do the same. This is crucial because this step is what will help your partner be open to the talk rather than getting defensive.
Step Four is to try to get into your partner’s head and imagine what they are feeling about the difficulties you’re having in the bedroom. Now that you’ve taken a look at how you have made things worse, imagine how they experience this whole dance around sex. How does their lack of interest make sense? What are they trying to avoid? What could they be afraid of? Developing this empathy and compassion for their lack of desire helps them get over feeling broken and inadequate. You have to go into this conversation leading with the idea that they are not broken, this is not just their problem. This is the step that will bring them on board as your teammate, so they can want to solve this with you rather than stay stuck.
Step Five is to bring up the conversation in the right way at the right time. Approach it from a positive place – you love them and you want your relationship to be as strong as possible. Tell them it’s not their fault and it’s not just their problem. Tell them you’ve realized that plenty of it is on you. Show them you’re willing to look at your side, take accountability, and be willing to change. Because when you do that you don’t end up in a fight, you create an alliance to work on this together.
You just learned how to approach your partner about how you want to improve intimacy in your relationship, but that’s just the first step. You still need a way to actually change what happens in the bedroom. That’s why you need a way to tap into your partner’s hidden sexual desire; that’s what makes sex easy and fun for both of you. I’ve got a video teed up for you talking about just that!
How to tap into your partner’s responsive desire

How to tap into your partner’s responsive desire

What if I told you that it’s possible for someone to want physical intimacy when they haven’t felt desire in a long time? This is because there are two types of desire, and one of them is hidden (responsive desire). Most people don’t know about the hidden kind, and they certainly don’t know how to access it.

The kind of desire we know about I call “proactive desire.” This is where sex is on your mind, you’re interested, you’re in the mood, you’d like to make this happen. This is what we think of as libido or sex drive. I think this is what we expect to feel. And when someone doesn’t…we assume something is wrong or they just don’t have sex drive.
But there’s another kind that I call “reactive desire.” Others have called it responsive desire. This is where someone isn’t thinking about sex, they aren’t in the mood, it could be the last thing on their mind. But if they got started, if they got what they need, maybe their body wakes up. Maybe they end up aroused. THEN they want sex.
Nothing is broken with this. Nothing is going wrong. This is a valid and common way people experience desire.
But it’s hidden! The engine is cold. This person is starting at zero.
To tap into this desire, you need to both create opportunities that bring it out AND move things out of the way that block it.
Reactive or responsive desire needs:
  • Opportunities – you have to start.
  • Willingness – to start and to switch gears. Your partner needs to be open to starting and to getting in the mood.
  • Input – they need to let you know where they want to start and what would feel good. They need to take an active role in figuring out what would feel good, what they would enjoy.
  • It probably needs a different on ramp – what works when the engine is already running may not be appealing at all when the engine is cold. You likely have to go slower and start with different things. This is unfamiliar territory for a lot of people. You need to explore, together, to see what works. And it’s not like it’s a recipe you can follow every time. You’ll need to communicate every time about what feels good and what feels right.
  • Flexibility – Someone who isn’t in the mood yet cannot know if they will end up there. Reactive desire shows up somewhere between 5% and 95% of the time. Not 100. It has to be ok, for both of you, if whatever you’re doing doesn’t end up in sexual desire or sex. This is what takes the risk out of it for them.
So what gets in the way? Anything that creates pressure or expectation. Reactive desire needs a big “maybe.” Maybe they’ll end up interested, but maybe not. That has to be okay. So being goal oriented or attached to an outcome will most likely make your partner unwilling to start or unable to relax enough to become interested. If they think they have to finish anything they start, they won’t show up unless they’re sure they can finish. That leads to a lot of no. And then, if they are experiencing things that make desire or pleasure difficult – life stresses, sexual dysfunction, changes in their bodies or sexual functioning, mental health concerns, grief, trauma, stresses…those can all make it difficult to be present, to focus on pleasure, and to end up in the mood. Visit my youtube channel for more!
Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

What if I told you someone can go from zero libido to wanting sex again?

I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples with desire discrepancy. And often, the “lower desire partner” has little to no libido. Both people think that’s just the way it is.

And I don’t have to tell you that their desire matters. You don’t want them having sex with you as if they’re doing you a favor or checking a box. Both people have to want sex in order for it to be fulfilling.

The truth is that there are two kinds of sex drive, but only tend to know about one. Your partner probably has the other, hidden kind. The kind that needs to be nurtured and coaxed out. The kind shows up after you start, where they end up getting in the mood. But this kind of desire has to be treated differently. It moves slower, it needs the right on ramp, so it needs input from your partner, and it needs “maybe.”

So many couples treat sex like it’s all or nothing. Like if we start this, we need to finish. Like it has to lead to a certain act or outcome. Your partner likely won’t even start if they feel like they are committing to the “whole thing.” You won’t even get a chance to tap into their desire if they feel that kind of pressure.

It’s also true that they are probably up against real obstacles! Legitimate things that block their desire or affect their sexual functioning or pleasure. Think about the long list of things can affect people’s sexual interest: body image issues, depression and anxiety, work stress, relationship issues, trauma, grief, overwhelm, shame and inexperience, and pressure.

It’s crucial that you move as many obstacles out of the way as well as create space for that hidden desire.

So when it comes to making sex easy and fun again, you need a way to both want sex. I’ve got a video showing you that you can help your partner want sex again so it never feels like a chore and you can have a sex life that is truly fulfilling for both of you.

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why do so many people start to avoid intimacy or sex?

It actually makes perfect sense when you understand what’s going on. And once you do, you can change it.
I coined the term “sexual avoidance cycle” because I saw that pattern with client after client. Here’s what happens.
When you have sexual experiences that don’t meet your expectations, they seem to go wrong or be a problem, you’re going to have negative feelings about that. I mean, at the least, disappointment. But maybe feelings of inadequacy, fear and worry, resentment, dread, rejection…
It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad. So when sex goes badly often enough, it’s normal to avoid it. Why would you go skipping off to the bedroom if there’s a good chance you’re going to run into those feelings? If you’re going to feel broken, guilty, self conscious, If your partner will be disappointed, sad or frustrated?
The problem is, nothing is going to get better if you avoid it. It doesn’t just solve itself. And in fact, it increases the pressure. There is more pressure on your sex life – we should be having sex, and we’re not. I want sex, and I’m not getting it. But there’s also more pressure on the sex you do have. If you have sex frequently, whatever that is for you, no big deal if one time doesn’t go that well, right? We’ll do it again on Sunday, or whatever. But when sex is infrequent, each time seems to matter more. This time better work or go well because who knows when we’ll do it again. There’s more pressure that it work, that it satisfy, that it disprove our underlying fear that something is wrong.
But how can it go well under this kind of pressure? How can you really relax and enjoy when there’s that much pressure on it? When the stakes feel high? You can’t. You’re way more likely to have a hard time and have yet another encounter that disappoints.
And then round and round you go.
If you’ve been struggling with lack of sex and sexual avoidance, this is probably why. You’ve gotten caught in the cycle, and you need a way out. If your partner seems like they don’t want sex, like they are avoiding it, I can promise you they are stuck in that place of feeling all the negative feelings related to letting you down and sex not going well or being easy. Not wanting sex makes them feel bad, and that makes them avoid the whole thing.
If you want to know more about unlocking their desire and escaping the cycle, I’ve got a video for you about helping them want more sex despite how it’s been going so far.
Sexless marriage or headed that way?

Sexless marriage or headed that way?

If you’re in an otherwise pretty happy relationship, but you’re in a sexless marriage or relationship (or worried you’ll end up there), despite your best effort to talk to your partner about it, schedule sex, or plan more dates, I’d like to show you how to get your partner to want sex without it ever feeling like a chore so that the two of you can both be satisfied. Even if you typically struggle to get them to do anything about it because of their lack of interest.
The number one thing I want you to take away from this article is that you can revive a sexless marriage by focusing on helping your partner actually want sex; it is the only way you’re going to have a thriving sex life… which is not the same thing as getting them to just have sex.
Finding a way for your partner to enjoy sex, so it’s for them, too, is key to a sex life that really works for both of you. Think about it like this… It’s like going on a picnic. What if they never put anything in the basket they like to eat? What if it’s always the cured meats you happen to love? How long will they really be excited to go on a picnic with you? How long before they dread it? Avoid it?
The first thing you need to know about finding your partner’s desire for sex is that the goal is for sex to actually be easy and fun for both of you. No more sexless marriage or relationship, struggles over frequency, or whether the stars are aligned, or how long it’s been…Now it can be something you both actually look forward to.
Simply put, if your partner doesn’t actually want sex, then they’re either not having it (hence, the sexless marriage or relationship) OR they’re having sex they don’t want. Neither of those options is good for either of you. And in fact, that will damage your relationship over time.
Both of you wanting sex is how you get a sex life that’s fulfilling and fun… Unlike scheduling it or begging for it or getting it done like an item on their to do list where it only feels more and more like they’re doing you a favor or completing an unpleasant chore.
However… you have to get your partner on board to deal with this in order to make this work. And how are you going to do that when they’ve made it pretty clear they just don’t have desire, they aren’t that interested in fixing this, or completely avoid the subject?
Now I teach this inside Intimacy with Ease, but let me give you the basics because this seems to be one of the biggest takeaways for students inside of this course, for example, “We are now able to enjoy each other without putting pressure on ourselves. We think of our intimate time together as play now. We are no longer trapped in a cage we built with our own hands.”
When I first started helping couples, I ran into the problems with desire discrepancy with every single client! However, I focused on ways to help the “lower desire” person find things they wanted, that they’d find engaging, that would give them a reason to look forward to sex, and it worked because it didn’t force them to do things they didn’t want to do, it didn’t focus on meeting a quota, and it didn’t set them up to feel like they were failing or broken.
That’s when I realized: your partner’s desire is key to your sex life working for both of you. They need access to their own desire.
Then, sex is working. It’s easy. It’s fun. And the two of you no longer have a barrier or a dark shadow or a disconnection to drive you apart. Now, you can feel totally close and connected.
But I get it. Maybe your partner won’t even begin to talk about this, much less do anything about it because they don’t have any desire, or at least not much. They haven’t felt it in a long time. They probably think this is just the way they are. They feel stuck and hopeless. They are probably just as unhappy in this sexless relationship.
And maybe you’re like this too. “No way my partner is going to get on board with this. We can’t even talk about it anymore without it feeling worse…”
So if you’re thinking, there’s just no way my partner is going to want sex, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk to them about this, this is just the way it is…I want to show you the five common things you’re probably doing that are turning your partner off and making them avoid this whole thing – my “Stop 5 Strategy.”
Because if you’re feeling hopeless, googling “living with a sexless marriage,” pondering divorce or breaking up, or feeling like you might just have to accept this part of your life dying and you’re going to go the rest of your life without the sex you’d like to be having… I want to show you how by stopping these five things you can win over your partner without increasing their sense of pressure or bringing up their resistance or defensiveness.
Now, obviously, I can’t get your partner to suddenly want to jump your bones every day, but I can show you how to open the door to their desire.. I know you might be thinking, “I mean, I know it’s not good, but it’s not THAT bad.” But do you really want to wait until it’s THAT BAD before you do something about this? If you’re struggling with unhappiness about the desire discrepancy now then you definitely don’t have time to let this grow and fester, where it could eventually threaten your relationship itself.
So this Stop 5 strategy is like a defense melter for your partner to be willing to work on this with you so you can heat it up! And make sex easy and fun and just one great part of an already good relationship.
The Stop 5 strategy training is a bonus that I created for students inside Intimacy with Ease. But I’m gonna link it up for you, for free,  because my paid clients and students have gotten so much value from it, and I want to get it to as many people as possible. It can make that much difference! I think once you see how easy it is to get your partner to work on this with you, that actually lets you have more sex together, you’ll be able to start getting the satisfaction you want and see that it isn’t such an uphill battle because your partner wants it, too.
Then it’s gonna feel so good to create a fun and easy sex life and see how close you feel and how little you even have to think about sex anymore!

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