419: Formula for Desire in Long-Term Relationships

419: Formula for Desire in Long-Term Relationships

by | Sep 21, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Anna Elton about her book The Formula of Desire and why desire commonly fades in long-term relationships. Elton shares how her research interviewing over 700 couples led to frameworks and assessments for relational desire, emphasizing that desire often declines or gets redirected (to other people, parenting, careers, or self-focus) when couples stop cultivating the conditions for intimacy. They discuss spontaneous vs. responsive desire, the importance of anticipation, addressing resentment and emotional disconnection, and how neglecting the “couple persona” can leave partners stuck in logistics and family roles. Elton also explains how rigid sexual scripts create stagnation and offers strategies like flirting, novelty, and conversation starters. She introduces six “erotic currencies”—initiation, seduction, imagination, receptivity, validation, and mystery—and points listeners to assessments and exercises (including A-to-Z date nights) at theformulaofdesire.com.

00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Meet Dr Anna Elton
03:16 Why Desire Fades
05:09 Spontaneous Versus Responsive
07:47 Desire Redirected Elsewhere
10:08 Three Selves Balance
14:29 Neglect And Quiet Quitting
17:11 Mid Episode Quizzes
17:38 Sexual Scripts Explained
18:40 Break Routine Together
18:55 Fantasy Jar Icebreakers
19:49 Flirting And Lightness
21:46 Chores And Mental Load
22:28 Courage To Address Fear
23:53 Assessments To Start Talking
25:26 Six Erotic Currencies
25:38 Initiation And Seduction
28:23 Imagination And Receptivity
29:18 Validation And Mystery Dates
31:25 Tools And A To Z Dates

Jessa’s quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Dr. Anna Elton, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist, speaker, educator, and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger Publications). With more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, she specializes in relationships, intimacy, desire, communication, and emotional connection.
Dr. Elton teaches doctoral students in clinical sexology and is a sought-after speaker who has presented nationally and internationally, including in Canada, Italy, Japan, and Australia.
Her expertise has been featured in TIME, Reader’s Digest, Real Simple, Psychology Today, Newsweek, Parade, ELLE, and numerous other media outlets. She has also appeared as a relationship expert on PBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC. Through her clinical work, research, writing, and speaking, Dr. Elton is dedicated to helping people build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

418: Soapbox – Don’t Accept Sex Your Partner Doesn’t Want

418: Soapbox – Don’t Accept Sex Your Partner Doesn’t Want

by | Sep 18, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman addresses “sex that’s not worth having,” focusing on situations where a lower-desire partner begrudgingly offers sex with clear disinterest, disconnect, or even hostility. She distinguishes this from reactive desire, where someone starts with openness to getting in the mood. Zimmerman explains that going through the motions is unfulfilling for both partners, can push the lower-desire partner further from desire, and reinforces the belief that the higher-desire partner only wants release. She recommends turning down or stopping sex when it feels like work, trudging, or checking out, and communicating in a grounded, collaborative way that sex needs to work for both people. The goal is to insist on conversations and change that help both partners find reasons to genuinely want intimacy.

00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Sex Not Worth Having
01:21 Reactive Desire Vs Duty Sex
02:12 When Sex Feels Hostile
03:52 Why Accepting Hurts Both
04:51 How To Say No Kindly
05:40 Insist On Mutual Pleasure
06:10 Outro And Next Steps

417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern

417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern

by | Sep 14, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.

00:00 Show Intro and Guest
01:20 Michelle Origin Story
03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame
08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From
10:58 Unshaming Through the Body
14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame
18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy
19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages
21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath
25:14 Safety and Context
26:54 Partner Involvement
28:45 Communication Over Timing
30:04 Evidence Based Tools
31:19 Mindfulness and Practice
33:46 Solo Training Methods
35:41 Couples Sensate Focus
37:29 Presence Not Distraction
39:24 Shame Is Universal
40:20 Book Launch and Resources
44:30 Website and Tools
45:59 Closing and Credits

All of Jessa’s resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.

416: Negotiating kinks, fetishes, and non- monogamy

416: Negotiating kinks, fetishes, and non- monogamy

by | Sep 7, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Sara Perry, a sexological body worker and somatic sex educator, about helping people connect with their bodies, pleasure, and desires and then communicate and negotiate those desires with partners. Sara shares her path from studying psychology of sexuality to critical theory and somatic sex education, and describes how small choices about comfort, environment, and consent can support healing and pleasure. They discuss the Wheel of Consent, focusing on sensation, asking for what you want, and using “yes, and/yes, but” negotiation rather than shutting down with a simple no. Using examples like cuckolding and other fetishes, Sara emphasizes pacing, avoiding pressure and fatigue, separating fantasy from real-life intent, and building safety over time. They also cover non-monogamy, jealousy and compersion, the need for ongoing conversation and support groups, and Sara’s nonprofit Box of Life and her Haven Space Coaching practice.

00:00 Show Intro
00:45 Meet Sarah Perry
01:27 Sarah’s Origin Story
04:11 Sexuality Can Heal
05:55 Somatic Pleasure Practice
08:36 Desire In Relationship
09:23 Wheel of Consent Basics
10:55 Ask For What You Want
13:27 When Desires Clash
14:56 Cuckolding Example
16:50 Sponsor Break
17:18 How To Bring It Up
17:50 Somatic Setup For Talks
19:35 Fantasy Talk Strategies
21:22 Receiving Kink Confessions
21:51 Curiosity Over Shame
22:38 Fruit Fetish Example
23:47 Yes But Negotiations
25:48 Roleplay Versus Reality
26:50 Cuckolding Roadmap
28:58 Fetish Fatigue Cycles
30:45 Non Monogamy Option
33:06 Jealousy And Compersion
35:13 Support Groups And Boundaries
36:07 Keep The Conversation Alive
37:19 Box Of Life Charity
39:25 Where To Find Them
40:26 Podcast Closing Credits

boxoflife.org
havenspacecoaching.com

415: Polyamory and Parenting

415: Polyamory and Parenting

by | Aug 31, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back Candace Sjogren, author of “Polyagony,” to discuss how parents can navigate consensual non-monogamy with children. They emphasize that many parents don’t plan for integrating relationship structure with parenting, especially when opening a relationship after having kids, and that conversations must be age-appropriate, focused on safety, love, and belonging—not sex. Sjogren describes “slow roll” disclosure (different families, dates, “special friends,” then partners), highlights risks when children discover things via technology or accidental exposure, and recommends poly-informed therapy and child-centered approaches like play-based talks, giving kids agency over privacy and introductions, and reinforcing special one-on-one time. They also cover introducing partners, cohabitation (roommate framing, separate space), agreements about roles, and recovery after mistakes, with the key takeaway to move slowly and be discerning about what children need to know.

00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Why Poly Parenting Matters
03:50 Most Parents Don’t Plan
05:35 Age Appropriate Disclosure
09:48 Out or Keep It Private
11:43 Telling Teens After Opening Up
13:58 Helping Kids Process
15:54 Kids’ Privacy and Boundaries
18:05 Agency and Parent First
19:29 Giving Kids Control
20:40 Special Time and Jealousy
22:08 Introducing Partners Gently
25:53 Moving In and Boundaries
27:24 Parenting Roles and Agreements
30:26 Real World Mistakes
33:07 Key Takeaways and Resources

414: [Soapbox] When a woman is the higher desire partner

414: [Soapbox] When a woman is the higher desire partner

by | Aug 28, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman returns with a soapbox episode on desire discrepancy, focusing on heterosexual relationships where the woman is the higher desire partner. She explains that mismatched desire is normal and common, and that gender doesn’t determine who wants more sex; in her practice, one-third to one-half of hetero couples have a higher desire woman. Because this dynamic conflicts with cultural myths that men always want sex, both partners can feel extra broken: men may feel ashamed, pressured, and avoid sex, while women may doubt their attractiveness, resent having to initiate, or even worry their partner is gay. Zimmerman says the solutions are the same: identify obstacles (including myths), understand reactive desire in men, reduce pass/fail pressure, and learn how to access arousal and desire.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:45 Soapbox Episode Setup
01:01 Desire Discrepancy Basics
01:33 Gender Myths and Reality
02:23 Why Couples Feel Broken
03:00 Pressure on Low Desire Men
04:03 High Desire Women Doubts
04:46 When She Wonders He’s Gay
05:28 What Actually Helps
05:38 Understanding Reactive Desire
05:44 Lowering Pressure and Finding Turn On
06:27 Closing and Where to Find More