421: Vulnerability as Strength

421: Vulnerability as Strength

by | Sep 28, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Host Jessa Zimmerman talks with Doug Noll, a former trial lawyer turned peacemaker, about reframing vulnerability as strength through lessons from Tai Chi: the softer you are, the stronger you are, and the more vulnerable you are, the more powerful you are. Doug defines vulnerability as staying open, compassionate, and non-defended in any emotional situation, and explains how cultural conditioning and emotionally invalidating parenting teach people to suppress feelings, build walls, and struggle with intimacy. He describes “affect labeling” (precisely naming emotions) as a neuroscience-based method to calm a dysregulated nervous system, create emotional safety, and reduce fights by helping partners feel heard. Doug shares prison program examples and a “Buddha bubble” practice (non-critical, non-judgmental, non-reactive) and offers resources including his Deescalate Academy, Substack, and books.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:46 Meet Doug Noll
02:42 Tai Chi Paradoxes
03:35 From Lawyer to Peacemaker
06:01 Early Life and Armor
08:19 Defining Vulnerability
10:21 Why We Fear Emotions
14:13 Gender and Connection
17:54 Signs Youre Armored Up
19:10 Safety Enables Vulnerability
20:52 Affect Labeling Method
22:43 Doing It Exactly Right
23:40 Fear Based Objections
24:49 Self Generated Safety
25:16 Affect Labeling Basics
27:11 Prison Proof Stories
30:11 Motivation And Mindset
31:44 End Conflict Patterns
33:59 Soft Power Tai Chi
36:07 Buddha Bubble Practice
40:46 Beyond Active Listening
44:10 Resources And Wrap Up

Want to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.com

Bio:
Doug Noll, JD, MA is a Distinguished Fellow of the International Academy of Mediators, the world’s most prestigious mediation organization, and recipient of IAM’s Syd Leezak Award of Excellence. Named California Lawyer Attorney of the Year (2012) and Best Lawyers in America Lawyer of the Year (2013), he was a Purpose Prize Fellow for pioneering the Prison of Peace program, teaching emotional literacy to violent offenders in maximum security facilities over 10 years (2010-2020).

As Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University’s Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution (ranked #1 in the nation), Doug teaches graduate courses on decision-making under stress and conflict resolution.

Doug is the author of four books, including the bestselling De-Escalate (45,000+ copies, translated into five languages) and the forthcoming book, Empathy Leadership: The Powerful Skill that Drives Winning Results (Atria Books/Beyond Words, Sept. 8, 2026).
Doug delivered a TEDx talk entitled “How to Listen Someone into Existence” at TEDxApex in Apex, North Carolina on April 18, 2026.

doug@dougnoll.com
www.dougnoll.com
deescalateacademy at skool
dougnoll.substack.com

419: Formula for Desire in Long-Term Relationships

419: Formula for Desire in Long-Term Relationships

by | Sep 21, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Anna Elton about her book The Formula of Desire and why desire commonly fades in long-term relationships. Elton shares how her research interviewing over 700 couples led to frameworks and assessments for relational desire, emphasizing that desire often declines or gets redirected (to other people, parenting, careers, or self-focus) when couples stop cultivating the conditions for intimacy. They discuss spontaneous vs. responsive desire, the importance of anticipation, addressing resentment and emotional disconnection, and how neglecting the “couple persona” can leave partners stuck in logistics and family roles. Elton also explains how rigid sexual scripts create stagnation and offers strategies like flirting, novelty, and conversation starters. She introduces six “erotic currencies”—initiation, seduction, imagination, receptivity, validation, and mystery—and points listeners to assessments and exercises (including A-to-Z date nights) at theformulaofdesire.com.

00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Meet Dr Anna Elton
03:16 Why Desire Fades
05:09 Spontaneous Versus Responsive
07:47 Desire Redirected Elsewhere
10:08 Three Selves Balance
14:29 Neglect And Quiet Quitting
17:11 Mid Episode Quizzes
17:38 Sexual Scripts Explained
18:40 Break Routine Together
18:55 Fantasy Jar Icebreakers
19:49 Flirting And Lightness
21:46 Chores And Mental Load
22:28 Courage To Address Fear
23:53 Assessments To Start Talking
25:26 Six Erotic Currencies
25:38 Initiation And Seduction
28:23 Imagination And Receptivity
29:18 Validation And Mystery Dates
31:25 Tools And A To Z Dates

Jessa’s quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Dr. Anna Elton, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist, speaker, educator, and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger Publications). With more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, she specializes in relationships, intimacy, desire, communication, and emotional connection.
Dr. Elton teaches doctoral students in clinical sexology and is a sought-after speaker who has presented nationally and internationally, including in Canada, Italy, Japan, and Australia.
Her expertise has been featured in TIME, Reader’s Digest, Real Simple, Psychology Today, Newsweek, Parade, ELLE, and numerous other media outlets. She has also appeared as a relationship expert on PBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC. Through her clinical work, research, writing, and speaking, Dr. Elton is dedicated to helping people build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern

417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern

by | Sep 14, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.

00:00 Show Intro and Guest
01:20 Michelle Origin Story
03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame
08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From
10:58 Unshaming Through the Body
14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame
18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy
19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages
21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath
25:14 Safety and Context
26:54 Partner Involvement
28:45 Communication Over Timing
30:04 Evidence Based Tools
31:19 Mindfulness and Practice
33:46 Solo Training Methods
35:41 Couples Sensate Focus
37:29 Presence Not Distraction
39:24 Shame Is Universal
40:20 Book Launch and Resources
44:30 Website and Tools
45:59 Closing and Credits

All of Jessa’s resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.

411: The Book of Ecstasy: Finding Joy and Connection

411: The Book of Ecstasy: Finding Joy and Connection

by | Aug 10, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Barbara Carrellas, author of The Book of Ecstasy, about ecstasy as a transformative state that goes beyond pleasure, sex, and orgasm into connection, awe, and ego-dissolution. Carrellas describes how her work was shaped during the AIDS crisis in 1980s New York, where grief and catharsis often fueled joy, and explains ecstasy as a reset button that can be personally, spiritually, socially, and politically important. They discuss how ecstasy can arise through many experiences (including dancing, food, protest, nature, birth, and death), how intensity can help by balancing safety and risk, and how skills like breath, grounding, and intention support ecstatic states. Carrellas offers beginner practices—listing nonsexual turn-ons, meditating on “something more,” and embracing one’s inner teenager—and shares resources on her website.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:48 Meet Barbara Carrellas
01:34 AIDS Crisis Origins
03:51 Tragedy and Ecstasy
05:21 Awe and Ego Dissolution
06:46 Defining Ecstasy
08:41 Everyday Ecstatic Life
11:48 Joy as Resistance
14:21 Ecstasy as Spiritual Practice
15:33 Connection Me We Us
18:03 Host Resources Break
18:41 Ecstasy Not A Contest
19:52 Speaking The Same Language
21:43 Kink Safety And Risk
24:14 Breath Energy Orgasms
25:34 Beyond Sex And Politics
27:50 Psychedelics And Everyday Ecstasy
29:12 Solo Practice With A Partner
33:08 Beginner Steps To Ecstasy
35:45 Books Resources And Farewell

Want to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.com

Bio:
Barbara Carrellas (she/her) is the bestselling author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century and the upcoming Book of Ecstasy, from St. Martin’s Essentials. Barbara is the founder of Urban Tantra®, an international community, a philosophy, and an inclusive conscious sexuality practice that encourages people of all genders and sexual preferences to expand their capacity for both pleasure and spiritual fulfillment. Barbara was named Best Tantric Sex Seminar Leader in New York City by Time Out/NY Magazine, and was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sexual Freedom Awards in London. Barbara is a proud graduate of the Coney Island Sideshow School with a double major in fire eating and snake handling.

409: Reclaiming Desire After 50

409: Reclaiming Desire After 50

by | Aug 3, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Julie Merriman about her book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What?, focused on helping women over 50 reclaim pleasure and desire. Merriman explains that decreased libido is often less about menopause alone and more about decades of high-functioning “survival mode” that dysregulates the nervous system, tightens the body, and takes pleasure offline; hormone support can help but may not be sufficient without addressing stress, numbness, and disconnection from the body. They discuss midlife as a “homecoming” with clearer boundaries, the effects of long-term relationships, obligatory sex, and lack of sexual communication, and the importance of safety, validation, and active listening. Practical approaches include restoring novelty in and out of the bedroom, taking intercourse off the table temporarily, pleasure mapping, addressing body shame, and managing menopausal changes like dryness with movement and vaginal products.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
01:01 Meet Julie Merriman
02:51 Why Midlife Changes Hit
03:24 Survival Mode Nervous System
05:31 Hormones and Zero Fucks
07:40 Desire vs Access to Desire
09:40 Functional Freeze and Pleasure
11:41 Long Term Sex Ruts
13:00 Talking About Sex Again
14:34 Responsive Desire Explained
15:33 Safety in the Body
17:13 Desire Discrepancy Resources
17:39 Communication First
19:39 Novelty as Adventure
20:47 No Pressure Sex
21:13 Pleasure Mapping Reset
21:53 Aging Body Conversations
23:06 Body Acceptance Practices
24:56 Gratitude and Tantra
26:47 Menopause Comfort Tools
29:26 Book and Where to Find
30:44 Final Wrap Up

Jessa’s Desire Discrepancy resources are at: https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio: Dr. Julie Merriman is a licensed mental health clinician, counselor educator, burnout researcher, author and speaker. As the founder of the Soul Joy™ brand, she serves as a premier authority for women over 50 navigating the intersection of professional burnout and personal intimacy.

With over 30 years of clinical experience and academic leadership—including tenures as a professor, department head, and associate dean—Dr. Merriman has dedicated her career to the science of human helping. Her work is deeply rooted in polyvagal theory and somatic neurobiology, providing a bridge between academic rigor and soul-led transformation.

Her personal journey through profound burnout and a subsequent breast cancer diagnosis informs her “scorched earth” approach to healing—proving that rebirth is possible at any age. She is the author of the 12-week guide, In Pursuit of Soul Joy, and the forthcoming book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? (April 13, 2026)

https://www.juliemerrimanphd.com/

406: Gender, Loneliness, and Reconnection

406: Gender, Loneliness, and Reconnection

by | Jul 20, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Published Authors

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Anthony Silard back to discuss research-based, average gender differences in relationships, community-building, and loneliness. Silard explains how women tend to have more robust “social convoys” than men, contributing to outcomes like higher male mortality after a spouse’s death, and describes stress responses such as “tend and befriend.” He outlines severe psychological and physical impacts of loneliness, cites rising loneliness rates across countries, and links male loneliness to shifting roles, work focus, and the “four PRs” (procreate, produce, provide, protect). Silard presents three unmet needs that drive loneliness—belonging, connection, and contribution—and offers practical reconnection strategies, including talking to strangers and the “one question rule” focused on feelings, plus compassionate communication to identify unmet needs in relationships.

00:00 Show Intro
00:44 Episode Setup
01:33 Gender Research Caveats
03:07 Widowhood and Social Convoys
06:15 Mens Group vs Womens Network
08:11 Tend and Befriend Stress Response
10:50 Loneliness Harms and Health Costs
14:46 Loneliness Crisis Worldwide
17:34 Mens Roles and Four PRs
19:44 Parenthood and the Work Gap
23:09 Why Men Get Isolated
25:13 Three Needs Behind Loneliness
26:19 Belonging vs Connection Examples
29:49 Contribution and Workplace Loneliness
31:08 Sponsor Break and Relationship Pivot
32:10 Lonely In Marriage
32:37 Four PRs Mindset
34:46 Screens And Male Isolation
36:23 Midlife Identity Shifts
37:08 Talk To Strangers
38:47 Empathy Gap Hack
42:54 Belong Connect Contribute
44:24 One Question Rule
48:43 Feeling On Your Feet
57:24 Needs Based Communication
01:00:05 Books And Resources
01:02:16 Podcast Wrap Up

Work with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.com

Bio:
Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross.

Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School.

Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley.

He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome.

theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooks