#88 – Dr. Corey Allan – Desire Discrepancy Conversations

#88 – Dr. Corey Allan – Desire Discrepancy Conversations

by | Sep 3, 2019 | Most Popular, podcast, Sexual Desire

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Desire Discrepancy Conversation 

My guest is Dr. Corey Allan. He is a professional counselor and host of the podcast Sexy Marriage Radio, which centers on helping couples experience amazing sex within their relationships. He hosts the podcast with his wife, Pam, and they share some pretty stellar information on the topic every week. 

Corey also has a private practice in McKinney, Texas and holds a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. And in this episode, Corey talks about desire discrepancy in particular. More specifically, he talks about productive ways for partners to navigate the high seas of fluctuating desires and the frustrations that can occur. One of the most important concepts that he shares (among so many others) is the importance of accepting desire discrepancy as natural, and not as right or wrong.  

But this is a complicated subject. And through this episode, we dissect the many nuances of a common phenomenon. Be sure to listen and learn because this affects so many of us. Enjoy! 

Framing Desire Discrepancy in a Positive Way 

As Corey states, close to two thirds of all relationships experience some sort of desire discrepancy within the dynamic of the relationship. So this is a common phenomenon that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong within the relationship at all. 

Corey likes to frame it in a higher-lower spectrum rather than a right or wrong metric. This relieves some of the pressure and reframes this frequent aspect of relationships in a much more positive light. 

He points out that sometimes it’s actually the lower desire partner who brings the necessary perspective to the relationship by shedding light on areas that perhaps need more improvement: this could be manifested in more mindful, present sex and other areas to explore for more meaningful sex for both parties. Often the lower desire partner has a good reason for not wanting sex all that much, and attending to those reasons can shift the whole relationship dynamic in a positive way. 

The Harms of Pathologizing Desire 

As we discussed during the episode, a common thing that happens within couple dynamics is the ‘pathologizing’ of each other’s differing desires.  

The lower desire person will often ask what’s wrong with the higher desire individual, and vice versa, leading to a harmful interplay between each. It’s natural to get defensive, and it’s easy to assume that someone is to blame in the relationship; but mostly, desire discrepancy is a natural byproduct of being in a sexual relationship with anyone. 

More on this within the episode. 

Don’t Take Rejection Personally 

Corey highlights the productive and constructive ways to initiate sex with a lower-desire partner. This means if you are high desire, you should not pout or whine at rejection. In addition, don’t complain that you do all the initiation–that just comes with the high-desire territory. Corey reminds you to play the long game and frame your initiation in a positive way. How you respond to your lower desire partner’s reaction is important! 

Corey’s Definition for Great Sex 

Corey says that the best sex is when a partner is seeking what they want, and at the same time, trying to give their partner what they want. He calls it a “fluid dance”, which could also be described as a healthy interplay between the wide spectrum of sexual interests that two people can naturally develop in their relationship.  

He says that both partners have to show up to achieve this. Frequency has less to do with it. It has to do more with the quality of the sex itself. He says that if you can have good, quality sex, the number doesn’t really matter. In other words, there’s no quota to fulfill, but instead, there’s a standard of quality to achieve between both partners.  

The Importance of Communication for Lower-Desire Partners 

It can take courage for a lower-desire partner to speak up about their needs, or to break off an initiation, but it is extremely crucial for a healthy relationship and sexual dynamic. If the lower-desire partner can communicate their needs and be in a comfortable enough place to assert their comfort level with sex, then a lot of good can come from that. It is the responsibility of the higher-desire partner to create a space that is conducive for this type of communication to occur. 

And for much more within this episode that wasn’t touched on here, be sure to check the rest of this episode out. There’s definitely a lot to chew on and digest! 

Key Links 

Corey’s podcast: https://smrnation.com/series/sexymarriageradio/  

Website: https://smrnation.com/  

More info and resources:
 
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
#86: [Reprise] Emily Nagoski – Come As You Are

#86: [Reprise] Emily Nagoski – Come As You Are

by | Aug 20, 2019 | podcast, Published Authors, Sexual Desire

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Come As You Are

My guest today is the acclaimed author of the best selling, Come as You Are. Emily has been a sex educator since 1995, where she put her education to good use (psychology, cognitive science, and philosophy). Quickly, she realized that sex education, woman’s well-being, and violence prevention was far more fulfilling work for her personally. So, she made the switch from more neuro-centric work to that of the sex-education realm. And that switch has made all of the difference for the countless people who have benefited from Emily’s work in the field. 

She has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with an emphasis in human sexuality, and the list of her qualifications could go on.  And within just seconds of this interview, you will immediately understand just how smart and articulate Emily is. Listen in.  

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#84: Martha Kauppi – Sexual Desire Issues

#84: Martha Kauppi – Sexual Desire Issues

by | Aug 6, 2019 | podcast, Sexual Desire

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Sexual Desire Issues

My guest today is Martha Kauppi, who is a certified sex therapist and supervisor. Through her practice in Wisconsin, she focuses largely on relationships and how they can affect sex, and vice versa. In addition, she has a background in healthcare, so she brings a very useful perspective and expertise to her practice.

Within the episode, Martha talks about how complicated desire is in particular. She describes it as multifactorial, and she also says that desire and arousal is the complex result of a cluster of systems working together.

 

Enjoy this very informative talk from an important figure in the field!

Definition of Psychic Energy

When describing the libido, many people would define it as a physical phenomenon or a biological culmination of desire. Martha describes it as a psychic energy, or a “want to want to have sex.”

Martha says that if someone is wanting to cultivate desire, that’s a crucial first step and a great sign for her client. Because there are so many moving parts that go into desire, there are also many ways for a partner to struggle to become aroused.

Martha talks about the internal pressures, of ‘putting out’ in the relationship despite not having the desire, as well as the external pressures, like birthdays or other events.

She says that these pressures can contribute to a loss of arousal, even if subconscious. As the pressures ramp up, so too desire can diminish in relation.

Other Things That Can Make Accessing Desire Difficult

Martha says that sex pain is the biggest obstacle to desire, by far. It’s not technically a desire issue or intimately linked to the desire systems at work, but any sort of sexual pain will kill desire. And unfortunately, a lot of people who have painful sex are not bringing it up because they just assume it’s normal. Or in some cases, a lot of people don’t want to tell their partners because they are afraid of how it will affect the relationship.

Martha states that painful sex is treatable and should be addressed, because sex should not be painful. She also states that the pelvic floor is the usual cause for painful sex. In addition to this, she talks extensively about how a lack of pleasure contributes to decreased desire. Check it out!

Resources for Women and Men

In addition to a lot of valuable information on desire challenges for men and women, Martha shares some good resources: A Woman’s Touch (for men and women), OMG YES and of course The Guide to Getting it on is always a great book to reference.

Talk to a Professional!

She says that so many people are suffering and discouraged because of a lack of pleasure when they don’t need to be. If you can’t figure it out on your own, Martha really stresses the importance of seeing a sex therapist. She says she can often clear up pleasure problems in a couple of sessions.

Anxiety and Depression

A major cause for a lack of sexual desire can stem from mood disorders. And the medication that patients take to combat some of the symptoms can often lead to erectile issues and a decreased libido, so desire can be chemically affected as well as the challenges posed from depression or anxiety.

The Improvisational Sexual Style

Instead of thinking of desire as a linear progression, where kissing leads to touching, which then leads to internal stimulation and climax, Martha’s preferred improvisational style is much more sustainable a way to approach desire. Instead of walking up a staircase and participating in a hierarchy of sexual actions (with a goal in mind), there’s constant communication going on about desire and no script to stick to.

Martha thinks that the usual, linear model of sex actually creates needless sexual dysfunction. She thinks we would all be less broken if we could just ditch the linear model!

Key Links for Martha Kauppi

Martha’s website (for her blog and tons of free information on sexuality!): https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/

Amazing article on great sex for a lifetime: https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/getting-to-great-sex-for-a-lifetime/

#80: [Soapbox] – Desire Discrepancy Issues and Strategies

#80: [Soapbox] – Desire Discrepancy Issues and Strategies

by | Jul 9, 2019 | Most Popular, podcast, Sexual Desire, Soapbox Episodes

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Desire Discrepancy may or may not be a term that you’ve heard. This is where two different people want different amounts of sex. There’s a discrepancy between your desire and your partner’s. This is universal. It happens all the time, and it is a problem for a lot of people. In this episode, I’m going to talk about Desire Discrepancy, how it occurs naturally, issues that may crop up around it, and give you some strategies to effectively navigate this common challenge. 
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#28: Brodie Welch – Holistic Approaches to Libido

#28: Brodie Welch – Holistic Approaches to Libido

by | Jul 10, 2018 | podcast, Sexual Desire

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Today’s episode features Brodie Welch, a Chinese Medicine expert who helps us to recognize that from a Chinese medicine perspective, everything is energy, and sexual energy is an important subset of our total sum of energy reserves.

We cover how to apply all areas of the Chinese medicinal branches, the original body/mind/spirit medicine, into our lives and daily choices, “talking” and working with our organ systems to create balance. (more…)