![#87 – [Soapbox] – You are not broken](https://intimacywithease.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Jessa-Red-400.png)
I get back on my soapbox this week to talk about something I think is important. So many people feel broken or like something is wrong with them when they struggle with sex, but this is not true.
On this episode, I focus on talking about sex with your partner when things are not going well. It can be uncomfortable to bring up sexual issues with your partner, and it’s for this reason that I have developed a guide that you can access with the link at the end of these notes.
Listen to “85: [Soapbox] – Talking about Sex with your Partner” on Spreaker.
While these talks may be difficult to broach, they create an arena for constructive feedback and help build healthier relationships. I share that this is how you create a sex life that works for BOTH of you.
A vital part of this is to first get over any fear you may have about talking about sex. Facing these challenges as a team is crucial to solving them. I outline three different stages for having this type of conversation.
Prepare
Like anything, without clarity and knowing what you want, you will have no direction. I emphasize the importance of this step. Highlights are picking up on patterns, emotions, and thoughts in your sex life. As part of the preparation step, I urge you to identify how you contribute to the problem. “Every situation is co-created.” I bring up a few important questions for you to answer and flesh out in this step. Empathy is also a factor in the preparation step, and I gently guide you around this to help you understand your partner, too.
Approach your Partner About the Topic
“Making time” is something to consider as opposed to spontaneously bringing up the sex talk.
I talk about the value of having a time limit on your conversation, too. I genuinely want you to find a solution, and having a collaborative attitude sets a healthy foundation for working together and talking. This will probably not be solved with one go, so expect a series of talks ahead of time.
How to talk about this
With collaboration in mind, I urge the use of “I” language. Tune in to learn more about this. I suggest creating space by allowing your partner to tell you how he/she/they feels. In addition to this, “distinguish between what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.” Tune in to hear my advice on filters and managing triggers. You will learn about empathizing and exercising control in this step, too.
Among other valuable tips, I also emphasize, “Don’t have sex that makes it worse.” Listen for more!
Important Links
Link to the guide sex: https://bettersexpodcast.com/talk
Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast/list
Exploring Eroticism
The topic today is eroticism, which is our unique fingerprint of what turns us on. It’s a set of things or the theme of things that really arouses us – that we find highly interesting and erotic. We all have the things that we prefer in sex and things that we find more arousing than others. This is a useful concept and area of inquiry if we’re going to make our sex life as good as we can.
Desire Discrepancy may or may not be a term that you’ve heard. This is where two different people want different amounts of sex. There’s a discrepancy between your desire and your partner’s. This is universal. It happens all the time, and it is a problem for a lot of people. In this episode, I’m going to talk about Desire Discrepancy, how it occurs naturally, issues that may crop up around it, and give you some strategies to effectively navigate this common challenge.
(more…)
Because there have been so many great guests and conversations on the show, it has been awhile since we’ve done a soapbox episode. In this soapbox, Jessa talks about measuring sexual satisfaction in a way that is meaningful to you.
While host Jessa was doing her continued education (as sex therapists are required to do), she discovered a tool called a self-anchored ladder. This ladder can be used to create a sexual satisfaction ranking from 1-10, but it’s unique to each individual and anchored in the things that are important to you.
This episode focuses on the self-anchored ladder, and specifically on what sexual satisfaction means to you personally. And the ultimate goal is to compare your self-anchored ladder with your partner and then collaborate to integrate the most meaningful aspects of sex for both of you.
In this episode we talk about changing your mindset about sex and about relationships. This episode will challenge your ideas about roles in a relationship and describe a list of new rules to follow that may replace some assumptions that could be getting in your way.
