410: [Soapbox] Tuesday Is Different Than Thursday

410: [Soapbox] Tuesday Is Different Than Thursday

by | Aug 6, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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In this soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why partners can’t rely on a fixed “recipe” for pleasure because desire and sensation change over time and even from day to day—“Tuesday is different than Thursday.” She emphasizes that each person is responsible for their own pleasure: learning what feels good, staying curious about what they want in the moment, and sharing that information so a partner can be responsive. Zimmerman reframes feedback as a gift rather than criticism, noting that most partners want to please but don’t have the instant feedback loop of masturbation unless they receive clear cues. She encourages developing language to describe touch, using words and demonstration, and building the skill to speak up so partners can adjust speed, pressure, and pacing to what feels best.

00:00 Show Intro
00:44 Soapbox Setup
01:04 Own Your Pleasure
02:08 Feedback Not Criticism
02:43 Find the Words
03:35 Tuesday vs Thursday
04:31 Outro and Credits

408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask

408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask

by | Jul 30, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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In this Soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores how the common higher-desire/lower-desire framework is helpful but doesn’t always accurately describe what’s happening in a relationship. She outlines two main ways desire can be “masked”: a higher-desire partner may detach from wanting sex after repeated disappointment, becoming resigned and avoiding sex because it’s less painful than hoping; or someone may have desire but avoid sex with their partner due to unresolved relationship issues like conflict, power struggles, resentment, or unspoken complaints. Jessa shares an example where years without sex changed once a partner’s underlying unhappiness was addressed and the relationship “container” improved. She emphasizes using the sexual avoidance cycle to identify obstacles—relationship problems, stress, medical or mental health factors—before assuming low libido.

00:00 Show Intro
00:45 Soapbox Setup
00:56 When Desire Roles Blur
02:07 Giving Up on Sex
03:20 Relationship Barriers
03:56 Client Breakthrough Story
04:46 Sexual Avoidance Cycle
05:47 Outro and Credits

404: [Soapbox] HRT is not primarily about libido

404: [Soapbox] HRT is not primarily about libido

by | Jul 9, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman clarifies a common misconception that hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is mainly meant to increase libido. Drawing from two recent conversations—one with a post-menopausal client experiencing painful sex and resisting HRT as a “fix,” and another with a man wondering why his wife’s HRT didn’t dramatically raise desire—she explains that libido changes can happen but are more like an added bonus. Zimmerman emphasizes HRT’s broader purposes, including relief of menopause symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, sleep issues), easing vaginal dryness/atrophy and pain, helping prevent UTIs via vaginal estrogen, improving brain fog and mood, and supporting longer-term health such as bone and heart health, diabetes prevention, muscle preservation, and potentially reduced cancer risk.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup
01:05 HRT Libido Misconception
01:17 Client Story Pain and Menopause
02:33 Partner Expectations About HRT
03:18 HRT Benefits Beyond Sex
03:29 Menopause Symptom Relief
03:53 UTIs and Vaginal Estrogen
04:23 Brain Fog Mood and Health
05:01 Bigger Picture and Next Steps
05:50 Outro and Listener Support
06:38 Credits and Goodbye

402: [Soapbox] Good faith communication vs gaslighting

402: [Soapbox] Good faith communication vs gaslighting

by | Jul 2, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

Click to Listen on Substack

In this soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why effective communication requires holding our “reality” loosely, since perception is filtered and interpreted by the brain, and partners often experience the same event differently. She describes a process of sharing each person’s story to feel seen, take accountability, and problem-solve—while emphasizing it only works when both partners communicate in good faith and “cop to” harmful intent when it exists. Zimmerman outlines signs of good-faith engagement: openness to feedback, curiosity about your perspective, empathy, accountability and apologies, and willingness to change behavior. She contrasts this with gaslighting and bad-faith conflict behaviors like insisting they’re right, dismissing or belittling your experience, blaming you, and refusing self-questioning or change. She also applies these ideas to microaggressions, noting the need for openness and behavior change even when bias is unintentional.

00:00 Show Intro
00:44 Soapbox Topic Setup
01:26 Why Perception Misleads
02:44 Holding Reality Loosely
03:45 Good Faith Requirement
04:53 Signs of Good Faith
06:25 Gaslighting Red Flags
08:25 Microaggressions Nuance
09:48 Wrap Up and Outro

400: [Soapbox] You Have to Care About Your Partner’s Experience

400: [Soapbox] You Have to Care About Your Partner’s Experience

by | Jun 25, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman argues that a basic foundation of relationships is caring about a partner’s wellbeing and taking their unhappiness seriously, even without agreeing with their interpretation. She explains how the brain filters and assigns meaning to events, so two partners can experience the same situation differently, making “right vs. wrong” arguments unproductive. Instead, she recommends learning to “climb into each other’s movies” to understand one another’s perspective. Zimmerman highlights three essentials for productive communication: awareness that one’s own interpretation isn’t inherently true, genuine care that a partner is struggling, and curiosity about how they arrived at their meaning. She notes this must be mutual, and that it’s a significant problem when a partner shows no care, openness, or curiosity about the other’s experience.

00:00 Show Intro
00:45 Soapbox Return
01:01 Why Caring Matters
01:27 Brains Tell Stories
02:49 Climb Into Movies
03:11 Three Key Skills
03:36 Care And Curiosity
04:41 When Partners Dismiss
05:30 Wrap Up And Outro

397: [Soapbox] Not Tonight and the Seven Dwarves

397: [Soapbox] Not Tonight and the Seven Dwarves

by | Jun 11, 2026 | Latest Episodes, podcast, Soapbox Episodes

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Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses a common dynamic between higher- and lower-desire partners, warning that taking a partner’s “not tonight” personally leads to feeling rejected and eventually showing up as an unsexy “dwarf” (grumpy, needy, whiny, resentful, withdrawn), which creates pressure and consequences that reinforce obligation sex. She explains that this cycle is unsustainable and not fulfilling for the higher-desire partner because it undermines true desire, pleasure, and connection. Zimmerman encourages challenging the meaning assigned to a partner’s no, noting that lower desire often reflects legitimate obstacles that make sex stressful and/or a more reactive desire style where arousal develops after getting started, not from walking around already in the mood. She recommends reframing “they’re not attracted to me” to “their desire works differently.”

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex
00:45 Not Tonight Story
01:47 Seven Dwarves Reaction
02:33 Obligation Kills Desire
04:28 Stop Taking It Personally
05:01 Real Obstacles to Sex
05:36 Reactive Desire Explained
06:30 Mantra and Next Steps
06:55 Outro and Credits