How often do you have sex? Many couples focus on frequency of sex, and that’s the wrong conversation. If you want more sex in your relationship, you will likely push your partner away if you start the conversation focused on how often you’re having sex or the fact that you want more of it.

Focusing on frequency of sex is a red herring. Because in reality, you don’t just want them to have more sex with you; you want them to want it. So any conversation that focuses on frequency of sex is going in the wrong direction.
I’m going to talk about 5 things you should not say to your partner if you want them to want to have more sex with you.
“You don’t understand how important this is to me.” I get your frustration. And the rejection, disappointment, and pain you probably feel. It’s easy to think your partner isn’t prioritizing you and your needs. That all feels true. But if you approach your partner with how they are letting you down, they are just more likely to feel bad about themselves. In my experience, the person less interested in sex feels guilty already. They wish they wanted more. They feel broken. If you end up making them feel worse about themselves, it just blocks them more.
“It’s been X days since we’ve had sex.” This statement has a couple of problems. First, it communicates that you’re counting the time as it passes. And it reinforces the idea that there is some sort of quota to meet. It’s all focused on the numbers instead of desire, instead of what could make sex more approachable to your partner.
“Maybe you should see the doctor or a therapist.” Oh boy, does that communicate that they are the problem. This overlooks the fact that sexual desire is complicated. It’s also situational – your sex life happens in the context of your relationship. Suggesting that your partner just needs to go fix this, as if it’s only their issue, is again going to make them feel bad. Probably resistant or defensive. More guilty. And it just misses the point that a sex life is co-created. It’s not something they can go fix alone in a therapist’s office.
“I’ve planned more dates and we’re still not having sex.” Ok, so you may be trying to take care of what your partner needs in addition to thinking about the sex you’ve wanted. You’re listening to them if they say they need more quality time or emotional connection. That recognizes that sex happens in the context of your relationship. But putting it like this makes it sound tit for tat. Like it’s transactional. Like they owe you because you planned date nights. This is just going to increase the idea that there is an obligation to have sex.
“Why don’t you want sex?” (as a rhetorical question). This is what you should be asking, but you need to truly want to know. What is in the way of feeling more desire? Am I doing anything that makes it harder to want sex? What else do you need to to make sex a bigger part of our life together? What do you like in terms of physical touch? Has anything changed in how your body works or responds that I should know about?
Questions like these show you understand that they may have some legitimate obstacles to sex and sexual desire. That you know you may have a role in why this has become difficult. This is the nature of the conversation you should have.
I have a video for you about helping your partner want more sex; it’s a perfect continuation of this discussion.

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