Many couples face periods where sex and intimacy feel distant—or even absent. If you’re wondering what’s happening, whether it’s normal, or how to fix it, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. I’ve worked with countless couples navigating these challenges, and the truth is that sex ebbs and flows in every relationship. The key is understanding why it’s happening, how to respond, and how to rekindle connection without pressure or shame.
What Does It Mean If You’re Not Having Sex in Your Relationship?
What Is a Sexless Marriage?
A sexless marriage is often defined as having sex ten times per year or less, but there’s an important nuance: it’s not just about frequency. If both partners are happy with little or no sex, there is no “problem.” What truly matters is whether both people feel satisfied, connected, and fulfilled. (See: What does dead bedroom mean?)
In my experience, one partner—usually the higher desire partner—is more aware of the absence and may feel growing dissatisfaction, while the other partner may see the lull as normal or acceptable. Though sometimes people live happily together without sex. (See: why would a man stay in a sexless relationship?)
Should I Be Worried If My Partner and I Stop Having Sex?
Whether you should be worried depends on how you both feel about the situation. If you’re both satisfied, then there’s nothing to worry about. But if one of you is unhappy, frustrated, or feeling increasingly disconnected because you feel more like roommates, then yes—it’s worth paying attention to.
Here are some questions to consider:
- Are you noticing your partner withdrawing in other ways?
- Is there still love, goodwill, and friendship between you?
- Are you good teammates when it comes to other parts of your life?
- Have you even begun to understand what might be making sex difficult?
Look for green flags in your relationship: love, friendship, respect, goodwill, and care for each other. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you have fun together? These are all signs of a good relationship overall.
Red flags aren’t about sexual avoidance itself—that’s happening for reasons that make sense and need to be understood. But watch for signs that the relationship overall is in trouble: lots of conflict, contempt, withholding, stonewalling, lack of engagement in other areas, or total disconnection.
Is It Normal to Have Dry Spells?
Absolutely. Desire will naturally ebb and flow over the course of a relationship. Life gets busy, stress increases, bodies change, and emotional dynamics shift. These fluctuations are part of being human and being in a long-term relationship.
What matters is how you respond to these dry spells. Do you use them as an opportunity to understand each other better? Or do you let resentment build while avoiding the conversation altogether?
If you’re specifically wondering why your boyfriend may not want sex, or why won’t my wife have sex with me?, there are often deeper dynamics at play that have nothing to do with attraction. And it’s important to understand how low libido can show up for young women, too.
It’s important not to get complacent. If the lull continues and one partner is growing increasingly unhappy, it’s time to address what’s happening. Research shows that for many people, having sex more frequently and feeling satisfied with that frequency is linked to better mental health and relationship satisfaction.
What Causes a Lack of Sex in a Relationship?
In many relationships, what looks like low desire is actually sexually avoidant behavior, a protective response that develops when sex starts to feel emotionally costly.
There’s rarely a single reason why couples stop having sex. Often, multiple factors intersect:
Less Passion Over Time
In the beginning of a relationship, sex is primarily fueled by desire and attraction. Your brain is literally flooded with chemicals that enhance sexual desire and create that intoxicating feeling of infatuation. But here’s what most people don’t realize: brain chemistry changes after the first 18 months or so.
For many couples, a lack of sex is less about attraction and more about a lack of emotional intimacy that’s quietly developed over time.
The honeymoon period is a real biological phenomenon that will naturally shift. This doesn’t mean something is wrong—it means your relationship is maturing. According to research, the type of love you experience evolves over time. The beginning is marked by passionate love, which then transitions into companionate love—characterized by deep affection and intimacy, but less of that urgent, euphoric lust.
Low Libido or Libido Mismatch
Low libido is a common cause of lack of sex in relationships. It can have many underlying causes:
- Stress
- Depression
- Hormone imbalances (especially during menopause or andropause)
- Chronic illness
- Medications (including many antidepressants and blood pressure medications)
- Low self-esteem
- Relationship problems
In many relationships, there’s also a desire discrepancy, where one partner is more aware of and focused on the lack of sex, while the other may feel less concerned—or may feel guilty and pressured about not wanting it more.
It’s also important to understand that desire often tends toward what I call “reactive desire” over time. Many people start at zero—with the engine cold—and have to see if they might get in the mood as things progress. This is completely normal. It requires starting (having something to react to), having input into what would feel good, and flexibility. Someone with reactive desire can’t always know ahead of time if they’ll want sex, so it has to be okay if desire doesn’t show up every time.
It’s not the desire discrepancy itself that’s the problem; it’s how each of the partners is thinking about and reacting to it that creates the difficulty and the impasse.
Life Stressors
Everyday stress has a massive impact on libido and can create significant lack of intimacy in relationships. Career demands, financial worries, and parenting responsibilities are among the most common stressors that affect couples’ sex lives.
I’ve seen clients dealing with a child who has serious mental health challenges, and it’s taking all their energy. I’ve worked with couples caring for elderly parents who need constant attention. Work can become overwhelming, especially during busy seasons. And let’s be honest—even the broader political and social climate can create stress that seeps into our intimate lives.
Becoming a parent, in particular, can bring more demands and significantly less time for intimacy. Many couples find that their careers only get more demanding over time, leaving even less bandwidth to nurture their sexual relationship.
Sexual Dysfunction
Sexual dysfunction refers to any problem that occurs during the sexual response cycle that prevents an individual or couple from having a satisfying sexual experience. This can include:
- In men: erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation
- In women: inadequate lubrication, vaginismus, pain during intercourse
- In anyone: problems with desire, arousal, or orgasm
Despite how common these issues are, fewer than 50% of people experiencing sexual problems seek help from healthcare providers—often due to embarrassment or discomfort discussing sex.
Health Challenges
Physical health problems can make people less interested in sex or make sexual experiences uncomfortable or difficult. These challenges become especially common as we age, though they can affect anyone at any stage of life.
Health conditions that commonly affect sex life include:
- Arthritis and chronic pain
- Heart disease and stroke
- Diabetes
- Menopause
- Cancer and cancer treatments
- Depression and anxiety
Our bodies are human, and things change—especially as we age. We have to work with what we’ve got, and sometimes grieving the changes is appropriate. Any change represents a loss, and allowing ourselves to feel that loss is part of adapting to a new normal.
Relationship Challenges
If you don’t like your partner, you probably don’t want to have sex with them. It’s that simple—and it’s one of the most common causes of lack of intimacy in relationships.
Problems in your relationship directly affect your sex life. When couples are having frequent arguments, not getting along, or feeling disconnected, intimacy naturally suffers. If trust has been broken—through lying, infidelity, or smaller betrayals where you feel your partner doesn’t “have your back”—it becomes much harder to be physically vulnerable.
Unresolved resentments are another major barrier. Every couple has conflicts and areas of disagreement. If these issues haven’t been openly discussed, the pain never gets resolved and creates long-term resentment. It could be from a painful interaction last week or from 50 years ago—if it’s unresolved, the pain still feels fresh, real, and alive.
To feel truly connected, you must feel that your partner sees you and understands who you are. You need to feel that you don’t have to put on a false front and that they genuinely want to hear what you have to say and know what you’re feeling inside.
Can a Relationship Survive Without Sex?
The short answer: yes, absolutely—if both people are happy with that arrangement.
A relationship can thrive despite no intimacy if both partners are content with little to no sexual activity. I’ve also worked with couples where one person would prefer to have sex but decides that the rest of the relationship is so fulfilling that they can live without it.
Remember: there are many ways to experience intimacy beyond sex. Couples can find deep connection through emotional intimacy, support, friendship, having each other’s backs, shared fun, and partnership in managing the home and life together.
I’ve also worked with couples dealing with sexual dysfunction that makes intercourse impossible, who successfully redefined what sex means for them and found joy in everything else they could do together. I remember one older couple who had always believed that sex equals intercourse. Just giving them permission to see everything else—oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, sensual touch—as legitimate sex opened up an entirely new world of pleasure and connection for them.
What Are the Impacts of Lack of Sex in a Relationship?
When sex declines in a relationship and one or both partners are unhappy about it, the effects can be significant—both for individuals and for the relationship as a whole.
For the Higher Desire Partner
The higher desire partner commonly experiences:
- Frustration and resentment
- Thoughts of leaving or cheating
- Withdrawal from other aspects of the relationship
- Taking the rejection personally, which is a miserable way to live
For the Lower Desire Partner
The partner experiencing lower desire commonly experiences:
- Guilt and pressure
- Fear of initiating any physical affection because it might lead to expectations
- Resentment that “everything else isn’t enough”
- Feeling broken or inadequate
- Avoiding their partner to avoid difficult conversations
For the Relationship Overall
Lack of sexual intimacy when it’s unwanted can lead to:
- Decreased sense of connection and partnership
- Degradation of teamwork in other areas
- Less physical affection of all kinds
- Increased conflict and tension
- A feeling that “we’re not as close as we could be”
How to Rekindle Intimacy With Your Partner
Emotional Intimacy Fuels Sexual Desire
Here’s what I believe is the most common reason for lack of intimacy in relationships: not a loss of desire, but a loss of emotional intimacy.
In the beginning of a relationship, when you’re just hooking up or dating, sex is primarily fueled by chemistry and desire. You don’t need a deep emotional connection to feel sexual and enjoy sex. But that fundamentally changes in a long-term relationship.
In a long-term relationship, sexual desire is powered by the couple’s emotional connection rather than by hormones alone. In an established relationship, sex becomes a form of communication—one of many ways each partner both expresses and experiences the couple’s emotional connection.
In my experience, the best way to rekindle a couple’s sexual connection is to work on rebuilding their emotional connection. Once the barriers to intimacy have been diminished, couples feel more emotionally connected, and they’re naturally drawn closer to each other. This increased intimacy and trust generates an increased interest in sex.
I don’t distinguish much between physical intimacy and sexual intimacy. I see sex as any combination of pleasure and connection. So any physical intimacy is important and meaningful—holding hands, cuddling, kissing, massage. These forms of connection matter deeply.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Lack of Intimacy
For many couples, talking about no intimacy is extremely difficult. The change in their sex life is so alarming and upsetting that anytime they try to discuss it, it only leads to a fight.
Instead of talking about what’s happening and how they feel, they jump straight to trying to “fix it.” And when the quick fix doesn’t work, they blame each other.
How to Start the Conversation About Lack of Intimacy
First, reframe the situation. It’s not personal rejection; it’s about one partner’s desire working differently. When sex seems difficult or problematic, it’s human nature to avoid it—I call this the sexual avoidance cycle. You have to uncover what’s going on and why the avoidance makes sense, and reframe away from rejection.
Second, frame the conversation positively. Here’s a script you can adapt:
“I know we’ve both found our sex life stressful, and it’s probably hard for both of us that this is the elephant in the room. I love you, and I value our relationship. I want us to be as close as we can be and for our relationship to be as good as it possibly can. I want our sex life to truly work for both of us. What if that were possible? What if our goal were a sex life that we could both enjoy and look forward to?”
Notice what this does: It acknowledges that both people are struggling. It expresses love and commitment. It focuses on the positive goal rather than on blame or frustration. And it invites collaboration rather than defensiveness.
Third, have a real conversation about what’s in the way. Explore questions like:
- Why does sex feel like pressure?
- How might either of us feel inadequate?
- What would need to be different for sex to feel easier and more enjoyable?
- What does each of us need to feel connected and safe?
Give yourselves permission to redefine and explore what sex can be. Sex is pleasure and connection—not specific acts with specific body parts. Anything pleasurable that creates connection counts: oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, sensual touch, or simply being close. It doesn’t have to be intercourse.
Fourth, examine your expectations and get more flexible about what counts. See sex as pleasure and connection. Find that in any physical encounter, even if it doesn’t go where you expected. Focus on enjoying the journey rather than reaching a specific destination.
Finally, understand that erotic and sexual experiences generally require safety—the trust that your partner will accept you and not judge you. Without that emotional safety, it’s nearly impossible to be vulnerable enough for genuine intimacy.
A Success Story: Overcoming 5 Years of No Intimacy
Let me share an example that illustrates how powerful this approach can be. I worked with someone in my online course who hadn’t had sex with his wife in over five years, and they’d never really talked about it. The tension and avoidance had become a way of life.
He started working on his part of the relationship—especially on the way he listened. As he changed his approach, his wife gradually started to open up about what her obstacles were. She finally felt safe sharing that he was really intense—he’d retired and was around all the time, and his energy felt overwhelming to her.
Here’s what made the difference: He didn’t get defensive. He validated her perspective without needing to agree with it, and he genuinely changed his behavior. They now affectionately call him “light and breezy.”
As time showed he was serious about these changes, their sex life resumed. They’re now having more—and better—sex than they’ve had in a long time. The key wasn’t sex tips or date nights. It was him becoming someone his wife felt safe and comfortable being intimate with.
When to Seek Out Couples Therapy or a Sex Therapist
👉 how therapy can help improve a dead bedroom situation
👉 how to find online therapy for libido mismatch
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you need additional support to navigate these challenges. Here are signs it might be time to seek professional help:
- You’ve tried to address the lack of sex but haven’t made progress
- Either you or your partner have been unfaithful
- There’s little or no emotional connection between you
- You argue frequently and can’t seem to break the cycle
- You have trouble communicating well about any topic, especially sex
- It’s extremely difficult for one or both of you to talk about sex
- One partner is experiencing sexual dysfunction that hasn’t improved with medical treatment
- You’ve been in couples counseling working on communication, but sex still hasn’t improved
Here’s the thing about getting outside professional help: it’s a tool, and it works better when used early rather than as a last resort. Many couples wait until they’re in crisis before seeking help, when addressing issues earlier could prevent significant pain.
Sex therapy is a specialized type of therapy that focuses specifically on sexual concerns. A sex therapist can address issues like sexual dysfunction, mismatched desire, difficulty with arousal or orgasm, pain during sex, and help you redefine what a satisfying sex life looks like for both of you. Make sure to find an AASECT certified sex therapist! You want to ensure your therapist is well trained and educated.
Moving Forward: Your Action Plan for Rebuilding Intimacy
When sex fades from a relationship, it’s easy to panic, to feel rejected, or to assume something is fundamentally broken. But what I hope you’ve learned from this guide is that lack of intimacy is usually a symptom of something else—most often, a loss of emotional connection.
The path forward isn’t found in tricks, toys, or forced date nights. It’s found in understanding why the avoidance makes sense, rebuilding emotional safety and connection, and approaching your sexual relationship with curiosity and compassion rather than pressure and blame.
Your next step: Have that conversation. Use the script I provided, or adapt it to your own words. Approach your partner with love, curiosity, and a genuine desire to make things better for both of you. And if you’ve tried and need support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a couples therapist or sex therapist. Getting help early makes everything easier.
Your relationship deserves the effort. And so do both of you. For couples ready to take practical steps toward reconnecting physically and emotionally, our Intimacy with Ease online course offers guided exercises and strategies to rebuild desire and closeness.
For couples exploring online programs as a solution, it’s important to know the limitations—this is discussed in The Problem with Online Intimacy Courses for Couples.