233 talking to your doctor about sex with maureen ryan

233 talking to your doctor about sex with maureen ryan

In this episode of BetterSex, host Jessa Zimmerman interviews nurse practitioner and sexual health expert, Maureen Ryan. Topics include the importance of discussing sexual health with medical providers, tips for patients to advocate for their sexual health, and the common issues like erectile dysfunction, low desire, sexual performance anxiety, and painful sex. Maureen shares her journey into the field, emphasizing the need for healthcare providers to ask the right questions and provide a safe, non-judgmental environment for patients to discuss intimate concerns. She also highlights the necessity of ongoing education and skills for medical professionals to improve patient care.

00:00 Introduction to BetterSex Podcast
00:46 Meet Maureen Ryan: Passionate About Sexual Health
01:29 Maureen’s Journey into Sexual Health
04:43 Challenges in Addressing Sexual Health
06:18 Importance of Healthcare Providers in Sexual Health
09:49 How to Advocate for Your Sexual Health
14:13 Overcoming Dismissive Healthcare Responses
16:32 Educating Healthcare Providers on Sexual Health
22:33 Conclusion and Contact Information

To view and subscribe to any of our podcast special collections, visit this link: https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/collections

As a nurse practitioner and sexuality counselor, I believe that love and intimacy are essential to human happiness. Through confidential virtual sessions, I support individuals and couples in overcoming barriers to sexual satisfaction, allowing for deeper connections and enhanced love and affection.

I hold a Doctorate in Nursing Practice and am dual licensed as an Adult Health Nurse Practitioner (AHNP) and Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner (WHNP). Additionally, I am an AASECT Certified Sexuality Counselor (CSC) and am a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).
As an approved Continuing Education Provider (CEP), I hold accreditation from both the California Board of Registered Nursing and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
Acknowledging the profound influence that addressing sexual health concerns can have on people’s lives, I am deeply passionate about educating healthcare providers on matters of sexual health, emphasizing its significance in enhancing the overall quality of life.

232: Repair after Relationship Rupture with Chelsea Burton

232: Repair after Relationship Rupture with Chelsea Burton

In this episode of BetterSex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes therapist and sex expert Chelsea Burton to discuss the concept of relationship ruptures and how to repair them. The conversation covers both major ruptures like infidelity and smaller, everyday breaches of trust. Chelsea explains the importance of acknowledging and repairing these ruptures to maintain and improve intimate relationships. The episode delves into attachment theory, the role of empathy, and strategies for reconnecting emotionally and physically with your partner, even after significant betrayals. Practical advice for couples on maintaining connection and rebuilding trust is shared throughout the discussion.

00:00 Introduction to BetterSex
00:52 Understanding Relationship Ruptures
01:34 Defining Ruptures and Repairs
03:17 The Importance of Repairing Small Ruptures
05:14 Effective Repair Strategies
14:58 Impact of Ruptures on Sexual Intimacy
19:57 Repairing Big Ruptures: Infidelity and Betrayal
26:47 Conclusion and Contact Information

To register for the webinar, use this link: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Chelsea Burton’s bio:

I am a licensed psychologist providing adult psychotherapy, couples therapy, sex therapy and family therapy. I approach therapy from a relational perspective, and enjoy working collaboratively with clients and their strengths to create change. I am particularly interested in working with clients around family of origin issues, relationship issues, trauma, sexual relationships and sexuality. I work with couples on communication, strengthening relational dynamics and sexual or intimacy concerns. I also work as an AASECT certified sex therapist and am open to working using an open and mindful approach whether you come as a couple or as an individual. I also work with people experiencing depression, stress, anxiety or grief.

I earned my Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from William James College in Newton, MA after first earning a Masters of Arts in Counseling Psychology from Lesley University in Cambridge, MA. I completed my APA-accredited internship training at Y.O.U. Inc. where I provided individual and family therapy as well as psychological testing and assessment. I also completed an APA-accredited post-doctoral fellowship at Tufts University’s Counseling and Mental Health Services. I have clinical experience in a number of other settings, which include: eating disorder treatment, community mental health centers, an acute-care inpatient residential center for children and a group psychotherapy practice for adults.


231: Am I Normal & other FAQ with Michael Castleman

231: Am I Normal & other FAQ with Michael Castleman

Am I Normal? Exploring Common Sexual Concerns with Michael Castleman

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back Michael Castleman to discuss the most frequently asked questions about sex that he has received over the past decade. They delve into the pervasive ‘Am I normal?’ question, addressing the cultural confusion surrounding sexuality, the impact of upbringing on sexual attitudes, and the normalization of diverse sexual practices. The conversation also touches on the influence of pornography, social media’s effects on intimacy, and the progress in societal acceptance of various sexual behaviors. Castleman shares insights from his extensive experience as a sex columnist and educator, emphasizing that most sexual behaviors are normal unless they involve criminal activity.
00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:47 Guest Introduction: Michael Kasselman
01:35 Am I Normal? Common Sex Questions
02:23 Solo Sex and Cultural Stigmas
09:01 BDSM and Fifty Shades of Grey
16:31 The Impact of Pornography
20:19 Teens and Pornography
28:31 Social Media and Sexual Health
33:42 Conclusion and Resources

Take the quiz: https://www.sexlifequiz.com

Michael Castleman is the world’s most popular sexuality writer. His twice-monthly blog on PsychologyToday.com, “All About Sex,” launched in 2009, has amassed more than 59 million views. The free Question & Answer site he has published since 2010, GreatSexGuidance.com, has attracted 2 million more. January 2021 saw the publication of his book, Sizzling Sex for Life, a cradle-to-grave sexuality guide. His two previous sexualitacy guides—Sexual Solutions (1980) and Great Sex (2004)—have sold more than 600,000 copies. He also writes a free, weekly sex-related blog on Substack.

He has answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world of all ages and sexual inclinations. In addition to his Question & Answer site, he spent 10 years (1997-2007) answering sex questions from customers of Xandria, then a major sex toy marketer, and five years (1991-1995) answering the sex questions submitted to Playboy’s “Advisor” column. He has also answered questions for WebMD and several other websites, magazines, and call-in radio shows.

In 1978, he earned a Masters degree in Journalism from UC Berkeley. From 1979-2007, he wrote more than 1,500 health articles for newspapers, magazines, and Web sites about all of the above, including the New York Times, WebMD, Salon.com, PlanetRx.com, AARP, Reader’s Digest, Smithsonian, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Self, Family Circle, Ladies’ Home Journal, Prevention, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Journal, Natural Health, Mother Jones, and The Nation. Library Journal called him “one of the nation’s leading health writers.”

In 2007, he retired from health journalism but has continued to write about sexuality. Why? “The thank-you notes. Readers appreciated my health writing, but I’ve gotten many more thank-you notes from answering sex questions and providing sexuality information and counseling.”

Castleman grew up in a Long Island suburb of New York City. He earned a BA in English from the University of Michigan and graduated Phi Beta Kappa (1972). He lives in San Francisco.

230: Sexual Behavior Analysis with Nicholas Maio-Aether

230: Sexual Behavior Analysis with Nicholas Maio-Aether

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman interviews Nicholas Maio-Aether, a pioneer in sexual behavior analysis. They dive into the behavioral approach to changing sexual behaviors, emphasizing consensual goal-setting and positive reinforcement. Nicholas explains the methodologies used in behavior analysis, the importance of reducing punishment, and how this field can be beneficial both for individuals with disabilities and neurotypical clients. They also discuss the differences between traditional sex therapy and sexual behavior analysis, as well as the populations best suited for each. Nicholas shares insights into his practice, his training program for professionals, and his personal motivations for working in this field.

00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast
00:50 Exploring Sexual Behavior Analysis
01:41 Defining Behavior Analysis
02:56 Challenges and Misconceptions in Behavior Analysis
03:49 Behavior Analysis in Sexual Relationships
08:26 Behavior Analysis in Disability Support
16:08 Behavior Analysis for Neurotypical Clients
31:11 Training and Finding a Sexual Behavior Analyst
35:04 Conclusion and Contact Information

Want to take Jessa’s quiz – How big a problem is your sex life? Find it at https://www.sexlifequiz.com

Nicholas owns Empowered: A Center for Sexuality in St Louis, where he and his occasional teams of partnered Universities’ students work to assist humans with and without disabilities to achieve sexual access, sexual freedom, gender affirmation, and self-control of compulsive behaviors. Nicholas works throughout the US training BCBAs/Behavior Analysts so persons in Individualized Supportive Living (ISL) programs gain access to applicable and generalizable comprehensive sex ed and sexual opportunities. Nicholas provides Sexual Behavior Analysis, and has assisted polycules, kinksters, gay couples, trans and nonbinary humans, among others, on their journeys. Trained by GLSEN in 2003, Nicholas started Gay-Straight Alliances across Alaska while in high school, and provided them sex ed materials and trainings. Nicholas spent five years managing Hustler Hollywood in St Louis before moving into Behavior Analysis, and joined AASECT, where he currently sits on two committees. He then completed a Sex Therapy practicum under Linda Weiner, LMSW, CSTS, in 2019 before getting a second Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, and meeting those hour requirements under Angela Skurtu, LMFT, CST, along with his LGBTQIA+ Family Systems Specialist certificate in 2021. He also ABD for a PhD in Clinical Sexology.

IG handle: @empoweredcenterstl

229: Overcoming Purity Culture with Esther Hooley

229: Overcoming Purity Culture with Esther Hooley

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman talks with Esther Hooley to address the impacts of purity culture on individuals and their sexuality. They explore how purity culture influences sexual scripts, the resulting shame, and how one can begin to heal and embrace their true sexuality. Esther discusses her book, ‘Embracing Erotic Wholeness,’ and how curiosity and reframing spirituality can assist in overcoming the detrimental effects of purity culture.

00:00 Introduction
00:45 Guest Introduction and Topic Overview
01:15 Esther’s Background
03:09 Defining Purity Culture
02:28 Impacts of Purity Culture
10:15 Shame and Sexuality
08:25 Disconnect and Reconnection
19:47 Reframing Sexual and Spiritual Beliefs
24:36 Closing Remarks Want to share your personal story on our podcast? This can be done anonymously! Just email us at info@intimacywithease.com

Dr. Hooley has been a clinician for over a decade and is currently a licensed psychologist in Waco, Texas. She specializes in sex therapy, trauma recovery, eating concerns, and spirituality concerns. She is currently in private practice working with people across the U.S. seeking healing. She recently published her first book entitled “Embracing Erotic Wholeness: From Shame to Curiosity” which focuses on embodied healing after living through purity culture.

228: The Orgasm Gap Revisited – Dr. Laurie Mintz

228: The Orgasm Gap Revisited – Dr. Laurie Mintz

In this episode of Better Sex, hosted by sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, the topic of discussion is the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women. Joined by Dr. Laurie Mintz, an expert who wrote ‘Becoming Cliterate’, they explore the reasons behind this gap, which includes the lack of clitoral stimulation for women and societal misconceptions about female pleasure. Dr. Mintz shares insights from her research and teaching experiences, highlights the improvements since her book’s publication in 2017, and discusses ways to enhance sexual pleasure through communication, use of vibrators, and changing cultural narratives around sex. The episode provides valuable information for both women and men to improve their intimate relationships and achieve a more fulfilling sex life.

00:00 Introduction to Better Sex

00:48 Understanding the Orgasm Gap

01:02 Guest Introduction: Laurie Mintz

01:39 Defining the Orgasm Gap

04:59 Cultural Influences on Female Pleasure

05:43 Statistics and Research on Female Orgasm

08:45 Barriers to Female Pleasure

19:09 Strategies to Close the Orgasm Gap

19:40 The Role of Vibrators in Sexual Pleasure

23:10 Empowering Women and Men in Sexual Relationships

26:55 Closing Thoughts and Resources

27:55 Podcast Outro

Interested in Jessa’s private podcasts?

Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast

Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

Dr. Laurie Mintz is a professor, author, speaker, and therapist. As an Emeritus Professor at the University of Florida, she teaches the Psychology of Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. She has published over 50 scholarly articles and six chapters in academic books. She is the author of two popular press books, both written with the aim of empowering women sexually and both with published studies demonstrating their effectiveness: Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It (HarperOne, 2017) and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship (Adams Media, 2009). With this same goal of providing scientifically-accurate, sex-positive information to enhance female pleasure, Dr. Mintz gives presentations and workshops to professionals and lay audiences, including a TEDx talk with over two million views. For over 30 years, Dr. Mintz has also maintained a private practice, working with individuals and couples on general and sexual issues. Dr. Mintz is a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, indicating that her work has had a positive national influence on the field of psychology. In 2023, she was named one of Forbes “50 over 50” woman innovators.

227: The Cure for ED with Dr. Jeff Nuziard

227: The Cure for ED with Dr. Jeff Nuziard

Understanding and Treating Erectile Dysfunction with Dr. Jeff Nuziard

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Dr. Jeff Nuziard to discuss erectile dysfunction (ED). They delve into the misconceptions around ED, particularly the false notion that blood flow is the primary issue. Dr. Nuziard shares his personal journey with ED, beginning at age 40, and his research which led to developing a patented treatment protocol that focuses on hormone balance and collagen regeneration. The episode explores traditional and new treatment methods, including hormone replacement therapy, PRP shots, and acoustic shockwave therapy, emphasizing the importance of treating the root cause rather than just the symptoms. They also touch on the broader implications of hormone imbalance and collagen loss in both men and women, showcasing innovative treatment options available through Sexual Wellness Centers of America and RegenMax.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex: Unveiling the Show

00:51 Diving Deep into Erectile Dysfunction: A Tough Topic

01:40 Dr. Jeff Nuziard’s Personal Journey and Breakthrough in ED

06:29 Unraveling the Myths of Erectile Dysfunction

08:50 The Hormonal Connection: Testosterone’s Role in Aging and ED

13:58 A New Perspective on Hormone Levels and Health

16:02 The Future of Hormone Testing and Management

18:36 Navigating Sexual Wellness: Understanding Hormonal Balance

19:19 Breaking the Silence: Addressing Desire Discrepancy

20:01 Exploring Traditional Treatments for Sexual Dysfunction

22:17 Innovative Solutions: Beyond Conventional Therapies

26:37 Revolutionizing Sexual Health: The RegenMax Protocol

29:30 Expanding Horizons: Treating Women’s Sexual Health

33:23 Beyond Sexual Functioning: Broader Applications of Regenerative Techniques

34:20 Accessing Treatment: How to Connect with RegenMax

36:30 Closing Thoughts: The Journey to Sexual Wellness

Interested in those private podcasts about desire discrepancy?

The higher desire partner podcast: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast

The lower desire partner podcast:


After a twenty-year career as a CFP, Dr. Jeff Nuziard completely reinvented his life after finding himself wholly a-sexual and unable to perform at the age of 40. After selling his financial book of business, he was determined to fix this performance issue without the use of pills or surgery. After 15 years of study, research, development, and testing, he discovered the actual cause of Erectile Dysfunction and how to reverse and cure the problem. After completing a 250-patient clinical study, this discovery led to a Doctorate in Bio-Medical Science and the issuance of the only Globally patented cure for Erectile Dysfunction with a 97.2% success rate. This patented multi-modality cure is known as REGENmax®.

Jeff Founded and oversees Sexual Wellness Centers of America, LLC in 2020, located in Colleyville, Texas, where his staff treats both ED and Vaginal dysfunction. While maintaining a 97.2% success rate and the Patent issued, Jeff now spends his time teaching and working with practitioners to obtain licensure for his protocols and help people worldwide.

#226: Healing After Infidelity with Rich Heller

#226: Healing After Infidelity with Rich Heller

Healing After Infidelity: Insights and Strategies with Rich Heller

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back relationship expert Rich Heller to discuss the complex issue of infidelity recovery. They explore the various reasons behind infidelity, the different forms it can take, and the steps toward healing after a breach of trust. Rich emphasizes the importance of understanding and recognizing both partners’ roles in the relationship dynamics that may lead to infidelity. The conversation covers topics such as emotional versus physical infidelity, the necessity of honest communication, personal responsibility, and the steps required to rebuild trust. Rich also shares his professional experiences and introduces his mental and emotional release techniques aimed at relationship healing.

00:00 Welcome to Better Sex: Navigating Infidelity
00:52 Understanding Infidelity: Definitions and Dynamics
02:24 Exploring the Gray Areas of Infidelity
03:59 The Impact of Children and Intimacy Challenges
04:25 Navigating Emotional Connections and Trust Breaches
08:38 Recovering from Infidelity: Accountability and Healing
16:23 The Role of Communication and Responsibility in Relationships
20:59 Inviting Reflection on Contribution and Culpability
22:36 Confronting Denial in Relationships
24:24 The Signs of Infidelity: A Deep Dive
25:43 Healing from Infidelity: Steps and Strategies
25:54 Understanding the Dynamics of Infidelity
28:14 The Role of Personal Responsibility in Healing
35:09 Exploring Solutions: Therapy and Beyond
39:07 Accessing Support: Workshops and Consultations

Interested in Jessa’s free masterclass about How to Make Sex Easy and Fun for both of you? You can register at https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Rich Heller MSW, CPC, ELI MP

Rich is a “Conflict Coach” who works with people engaged in high levels of conflict so that they can create cooperation out of conflict. He works with individuals and couples, focusing on how they can have a relationship that works with minimum friction and maximum support for their children. Additionally Rich helps organizations and businesses transform destructive conflict into a vehicle for change and innovation.
He went to Vassar College for his BA, Hunter School of Social Work for his MA, a trained in mediation with the Center for Understanding in Conflict, and trained in Parent Coordination through the AFCC. He is a Certified Professional Coach, and an ELI Master Practitioner.
No stranger to conflict, Rich Heller grew up in NYC, is a child of divorce, has been divorced, and successfully remarried. He and his partner Katherine have been married for over 20 years and launched six children into the world.

6 Principles of Sexual health (and how they relate to your sex life)

6 Principles of Sexual health (and how they relate to your sex life)

Sexual health is key to a great sex life. If you’re in a committed relationship but struggling with sex, you’re going to want to make sure you’re checking all 6 of these boxes.

I’m going to talk about the 6 aspects of sexual health as described by Mr. Doug Braun-Harvey after the Pan-American Health Organization, in collaboration with the World Health Organization and the World Association of Sexual Health published their report. This may sound academic, but each principle applies to your sex life. In fact, without all 6, your sex life cannot thrive over time. And the last one is the most taken for granted!

Healthy sex is Consensual

Sexual health requires sex to be consensual. This is the most universal sexual health principle on the planet. Consent means “voluntary cooperation” and communicates permission to be sexual with willing partners. Establishing consent throughout each step of a sexual interaction provides each sexual partner space for sexual safety and pleasure that is consistent with their sexual desires. When consent is given, one is saying, “I want this, I want you to give me something that I desire.”  You want to seek enthusiastic consent along the way. It should be clear and unmistakable.

And you may be thinking “I’m in a relationship. Aren’t we beyond needing to seek consent?” Couples often develop a repertoire of “consented activities” but consent incidents can still occur if you take that for granted. What we want can change over time. Just because we consent to something Tuesday doesn’t mean we really want it on Thursday. Make sure your partner is enthusiastic in their participation and err on the side of checking in.

Healthy sex is Non-Exploitative

Sexual health requires sex to be non-exploitative. Exploitation is when a person leverages their power and control to receive sexual gratification. Exploitation compromises a person’s ability to consent to sex. Intentional exploitative sex is ruthless and insensitive to the feelings of a partner and family members. But it’s also possible to have much more subtle forms of exploitation: pressure, emotional consequences to saying no, power dynamics in the relationship leading one person to feel like they don’t have as much choice.

Again, in a committed relationship, you may think exploitation can’t happen. But it can. You could have more power in your relationship, and that could play out in sex. You could react badly when your partner doesn’t want sex, and that creates a consequence they want to avoid. Even if you don’t mean to put that kind of pressure on your partner, they may believe it’s there and end up going along with sexual acts. Watch for cues that they are not enthusiastically choosing sex.

Healthy sex is Honest

Sexual health requires open and direct communication with oneself and every sexual partner. Honesty with oneself involves being open to sexual pleasure, sexual experience, and sexual education. Without honesty, sexual relationships will not be able to have effective communication or be able to uphold any of the sexual health principles. Honesty encompasses sexual health conversations about pleasure, sexual functioning, eroticism, gender and/or sexual relationship diversity. Each person has the responsibility to determine their own standards of honesty about sex and sexuality as it relates to their partners, medical providers, community, and themselves.

Honesty certainly applies in your relationship. Honesty with your partner involves letting them know what you like and what you don’t, how you feel about what you’re doing, and telling them if there are things that are disturbing or blocking you. And they need to be honest with you about the same things. Even though sex can be a tricky subject to talk about, honesty is the only way to make it something you both enjoy.

Healthy sex is based in Shared Values

Throughout the lifespan, sexual values play an important role in motivations for sex. Values are a source of identifying one’s sexual standards and ethics. Values differences, when honestly and vulnerably shared between partners, can lead to closeness or painful distance. Either way, it is a conversation that brings reality and clarity where couples may have previously chosen avoidance and deception.

Have you ever considered the values you and your partner have around sex? Specific sexual acts or turn-ons may have very different meanings for each partner. Being sexual can have different meanings for different people. People value different parts of a sexually intimate encounter. It’s not that the two of you have to enjoy or value the same things, but there needs to be a shared value of making sex a win/win, making it sure it hits the values each of you has.

Healthy sex is Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy

This sexual heath principle addresses the need for anyone engaged in sexual activity to implement a contraception plan so they have a choice about whether to get pregnant/impregnate, prevent acquiring a sexually transmitted infection, and take precautions to prevent transmission of HIV. The ability to test for and treat STIs is essential for sexual health. Knowledge of and access to birth control is essential for sexual health. Healthy sex is safer sex.

This may or may not be an issue in your relationship. But it’s hard to relax and enjoy sex if you’re afraid of getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant). It can be hard to enjoy sex if you’re concerned about passing on an STI. You have to tackle these issues, if they’re there, so the two of you can focus on what sex is all about. Which leads to the last principle:

Healthy sex is focused Pleasure

Pleasure is a primary motivation for solo-sexual activity (masturbation) and partnered sex. It is one of the two key reasons to have sex: pleasure and connection. Too often, pleasure is left out of the conversation about healthy and safe sex, as if it’s an afterthought. All people are deserving of pleasure, and healthy sex centers the pleasure of both partners. It is hard to have pleasure in sex if the other 5 principles are not met. Throughout all stages of life from pre-teen to the final years of life, sexual health is the art of balancing one’s sexual safety and responsibility with the lifelong curiosity of pleasure, exploring sexual interests and remaining curious about the ever-changing sources of sexual pleasure.

Pleasure needs to be a focus in your sex life with your partner. Pleasure for both of you. What pleases us changes over time, and it changes when our bodies respond differently. Often, someone with a decreased desire for sex is having trouble finding pleasure in it. Seeking ways to make any intimate encounter enjoyable for both of you is crucial if you want your sex life to thrive over time.

Apply these 6 principles and you are on your way to a sex life that can be fulfilling for both of you over your life together.

Here are 5 things not to say if you want more sex in your relationship

Here are 5 things not to say if you want more sex in your relationship

How often do you have sex? Many couples focus on frequency of sex, and that’s the wrong conversation. If you want more sex in your relationship, you will likely push your partner away if you start the conversation focused on how often you’re having sex or the fact that you want more of it.

Focusing on frequency of sex is a red herring. Because in reality, you don’t just want them to have more sex with you; you want them to want it. So any conversation that focuses on frequency of sex is going in the wrong direction.
I’m going to talk about 5 things you should not say to your partner if you want them to want to have more sex with you.
“You don’t understand how important this is to me.” I get your frustration. And the rejection, disappointment, and pain you probably feel. It’s easy to think your partner isn’t prioritizing you and your needs. That all feels true. But if you approach your partner with how they are letting you down, they are just more likely to feel bad about themselves. In my experience, the person less interested in sex feels guilty already. They wish they wanted more. They feel broken. If you end up making them feel worse about themselves, it just blocks them more.
“It’s been X days since we’ve had sex.” This statement has a couple of problems. First, it communicates that you’re counting the time as it passes. And it reinforces the idea that there is some sort of quota to meet. It’s all focused on the numbers instead of desire, instead of what could make sex more approachable to your partner.
“Maybe you should see the doctor or a therapist.” Oh boy, does that communicate that they are the problem. This overlooks the fact that sexual desire is complicated. It’s also situational – your sex life happens in the context of your relationship. Suggesting that your partner just needs to go fix this, as if it’s only their issue, is again going to make them feel bad. Probably resistant or defensive. More guilty. And it just misses the point that a sex life is co-created. It’s not something they can go fix alone in a therapist’s office.
“I’ve planned more dates and we’re still not having sex.” Ok, so you may be trying to take care of what your partner needs in addition to thinking about the sex you’ve wanted. You’re listening to them if they say they need more quality time or emotional connection. That recognizes that sex happens in the context of your relationship. But putting it like this makes it sound tit for tat. Like it’s transactional. Like they owe you because you planned date nights. This is just going to increase the idea that there is an obligation to have sex.
“Why don’t you want sex?” (as a rhetorical question). This is what you should be asking, but you need to truly want to know. What is in the way of feeling more desire? Am I doing anything that makes it harder to want sex? What else do you need to to make sex a bigger part of our life together? What do you like in terms of physical touch? Has anything changed in how your body works or responds that I should know about?
Questions like these show you understand that they may have some legitimate obstacles to sex and sexual desire. That you know you may have a role in why this has become difficult. This is the nature of the conversation you should have.
I have a video for you about helping your partner want more sex; it’s a perfect continuation of this discussion.

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