How Big a Problem is My Sex Life? A Quiz for People Who Don't Find Easy in Their Relationship In a great relationship, both people are happy. But if you're struggling with what's happening (or not happening!) in your sex life, it means at least one of you is NOT happy with the situation. How are you going to have a truly great relationship if your sex life isn't working for both of you? This 13 question quiz helps you understand exactly how big a problem your sex life is for your relationship, how it is likely manifesting in your life, and what you should focus on to make it better. (HINT: it can get better as long as you are in a good relationship!). While not a scientific quiz, it does use what I've learned about healthy sexual relationships in my years of clinical practice as a sex therapist. I have designed it to give you an idea of the state of your intimate relationship, over several criteria. You will get your results and suggestions about how to improve via email, as well as ongoing information and ideas about improving your relationship and creating your best possible sex life. "Sex" refers to any sexual encounter, not just penetrative sex. Please provide your email address below to receive a detailed copy of your results as well as tips for improvement related to the quiz. Once you finish the quiz, detailed results will be emailed to you. Providing your email address here will subscribe you to my mailing list. You can unsubscribe at any time later. I hope you stick around, though! I work hard to make it worth your while. Name Email I agree to the terms of use and privacy policy (see links in footer) Is there conflict, stress, tension or pressure around your different levels of desire? We fight about it a lot. It’s become the biggest source of distress in our relationship. There’s a ton of tension and pressure because one of us wants sex way more than the other. There’s an undercurrent of tension and pressure because it’s clear we have different levels of desire. We don’t want the same amount of sex, but it’s not causing trouble for us. We both want sex about the same; differences in libido aren’t an issue for us. Neither of us wants sex, and we’re both completely satisfied with that. Do either one of you avoid sex? We both avoid it. One of us avoids it. Neither of us avoids it. Neither of us wants sex at all; it’s not matter of avoidance. We’re happy. How often does sex feel like it’s happening out of obligation? It always feels like an obligation (I’m doing it for them or they’re doing it for me). It frequently seems like sex is only happening because we “should” or because we need to. Every once in a while it feels like a chore or obligation. It never feels that way; it’s clear when we have sex we both want it. Because we are happy in relationship even without sex, obligation doesn’t come up. Do you both look forward to sex? We’re happily in a non-sexual relationship. Absolutely! Sex is a great pleasure in our relationship. Sometimes. We don’t always have the mental space or time, but we usually both want to be having sex. One of us does; the other doesn’t seem to. Not anymore. It’s become so loaded and stressful or awkward that it’s hard to look forward to it. Does one of you do almost all of the initiating of sex? Yup. Only one of us initiates sex. The other doesn’t ever seem to want it or bring it up. Yup. We’ve left it up to the person with little to no desire since the other is always a yes. No, both of us initiate sex sometimes. Neither one of us is initiating at this point; we’re steering clear of the whole thing. Because we’re both happy without sex, neither of us is initiating. How long do you two go between sexual encounters? Hours Days Weeks Months Years We aren't having sex, and we’re both fine with that. Does one of you feel rejected when the other isn’t interested in sex? Yes! It’s incredibly painful to be turned down for sex. It makes me (or my partner) feel undesirable, unloved, or unimportant. Yes, if it goes on long enough. We can handle a “no” here or there, but if it goes a certain amount of time, it feels like rejection. No, but it’s still a problem that my partner isn’t interested. No, we understand that we won’t both be in the mood all the time, and it’s not a problem when one of us isn’t interested. Nope! We are both totally satisfied with our relationship without sex. Do the two of you easily talk about your sex life, without stress or tension? Sex is a really tough topic for us; we can’t talk about it at all. Sex is a really tough topic for us; we talk about it but it ends with tears, frustration, guilt, tension, and/or withdrawal. Sex isn’t the easiest topic, but we don’t fight about it. But our conversations don’t result in any real, permanent change. We can talk really openly about sex, but we don’t resolve things, either. We are able to talk openly and constructively about sex, and we can agree and make changes that keep our sex life working really well. We can talk about everything. We don’t really need to talk about sex because it’s not part of our relationship, and we’re both good with that. Does it feel like sex can go badly? It goes badly all the time. That’s one of the reasons we’re not having sex, or at least not much of it. It can definitely fail. It feels risky to have sex because something can go wrong. I/We worry about that, and it gets in the way. There are definitely expectations about what should happen, but it usually works okay, so it’s not a big problem. Sex can never fail or go badly. No matter what happens, we’ve spent time connecting. We’re happily non-sexual, so it can’t go badly! Is sex all or nothing? You’re either doing “the whole thing” or not? We easily mess around or share physical affection and intimacy without thinking about whether it’ll lead to sex or not. We’ve said that it’s okay to just mess around or make out, but it still feels like there’s an expectation that it lead to sex. We really don’t do anything without it leading to sex. It absolutely feels like we need to finish what we start. If we’re physical with each other, we know that’s the expectation. Well, since we’re happily non-sexual, we’re definitely not “doing the whole thing.” Do either of you feel little to no desire for sex? Yes, one of us feels little to no desire. Yes, both of us feel little to no desire, and that’s a problem. No, we both want sex. No, neither of us wants sex, but we’re both totally fine with that. Are there negative emotions after sex? One of us is often upset after sex. Sometimes things seem worse after we have sex. No, if we have sex, we’re both happy about it afterward. No, we’re happily non-sexual, so there are no negative emotions when we don’t have sex. Does it feel like there is a lot riding on your sex life? Sex is just one part of our relationship; it’s not that big a deal. Everything else is good, but we struggle with sex. It makes me/us worry that there’s a problem. Sex has gotten to the point that it is overshadowing the other parts of our relationship. It feels like a really big deal. At this point, I worry that sex is going to break our relationship, that maybe we won’t make it because it’s such a problem. Nope. We are both totally satisfied with the rest of our relationship and are fine without sex being a part of it. Time's up
