By Jessa Zimmerman, MA, LMHC, CST
Sex Without Stress
A couple's guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance, and pressure.
For couples who have a good relationship — and a sex life that has quietly become the hardest thing between them.
★ 4.4 out of 5 — from more than 320 readers on Amazon.
The idea at the centre of the book
Sex didn't get hard all at once. You got caught in a cycle.
Sex disappoints — so you start avoiding it. Avoiding it builds pressure. And pressure makes the next time even harder, which makes it disappoint again.
That loop is the Avoidance Cycle, and it is the reason this feels so impossible to fix from the inside. Each turn of it makes the next turn worse. Eventually every sexual encounter is carrying the weight of the whole relationship, and it feels like a test you expect to fail.
You don't break the cycle by having more sex. You break it by changing what sex has to be.
That's what the rest of the book is for — understanding where the cycle started for the two of you, and then dismantling it piece by piece.
What's inside
Twelve chapters, in the order you actually need them
This is a working book, not a book about sex. Every idea comes with something to do — on your own first, then with your partner.
First, you see the cycle
What the Avoidance Cycle is, how disappointment starts it, and why your expectations — about what sex is, what it's for, and how it's supposed to go — are doing more damage than anything either of you is actually doing.
Then you change your mind about sex
Not a pep talk — a genuine shift in what you think sex is supposed to be, which is the thing that takes the pressure off. Followed by how to have the conversation with your partner that you've both been avoiding.
Then you look at what each of you brought
Who packed your bags — the history, family and culture that wrote your rules before you ever met. What you're actually avoiding. The particular dance the two of you do around this. And then the uncomfortable one: what's on your side of the court, and yours alone.
Then you put it into action
Insight on its own changes nothing. The last chapters are the practice — a staged process for rebuilding physical connection, and what to do when you get stuck.
An honest sort
Is this book for you?
I wrote it for great couples who wish their sex lives were great too. That's a real distinction, and it matters — so here it is plainly.
This book will help if…
- You're still friends — maybe even best friends
- You manage something well together: parenting, money, running a home
- You can still have fun with each other
- Your relationship is good, separately from sex
- You can talk about most things
- There's a basic kindness and decency between you
Start somewhere else if…
- Contempt, criticism, defensiveness or stonewalling are the norm between you
- Your relationship needs real work before sex can be addressed at all
- You don't feel good about who you are, or about who you're with
- You're hoping to hand your partner a book instead of doing your own part
That second list isn't a brush-off. Those are real problems that deserve real help — they just need addressing before a book about sex can do you any good. Find a good therapist first, and come back to this.
Advance praise
What other therapists said about it
Jessa Zimmerman, an expert in counseling couples, has written a much-needed book about couples. Her book is accessible and insightful. Her advice is never "formulaic" but instead focuses on thoughtful and practical discussions about growing as a couple. I've wanted to refer to a book like this for a long time. I give it my highest recommendation!
Sallie Foley — Director, University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate Program; co-author, Sex Matters for WomenJessa Zimmerman takes the reader through a straightforward and no-nonsense journey, highlighting the most common struggles that couples experience. She clearly maintains that it is essential for each partner to be accountable for themselves — and to each other — to follow the useful action steps she walks them through.
Dr. Joe Kort, LMSW — author & speakerA definitive resource that helps couples face and identify the pain of lost sexual intimacy. Jessa bridges the gap between sexual desire and sexual despair as she offers concrete methods to stop avoiding sex. Her techniques are accessible to all couples, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Edy Nathan, MA, LCSWR, CSTMany couples avoid sharing their personal feelings about their sexuality, failing to address the personal barriers to recapturing that loving lust. Jessa Zimmerman's book addresses just that. Sex Without Stress can help your love life become great again.
Dr. Kevin Seymour — clinical psychologist
About the author
Why I wrote this one
I became a sex therapist because of a marriage that ended. Things were easy at first, the way they often are. Then we had children, and the stress found every place we couldn't work together. I had pain during sex for months after my daughter was born. Neither of us knew how to talk about what was happening, so we didn't — and it went downhill from there.
I grew up in a sex-positive household. My parents were happily married for 52 years. And I was still completely ill-equipped to handle sex and intimacy in my own marriage. It ended because we didn't confront the problem and didn't get help until it was too late.
That's the book, really. I've since worked with hundreds of couples on exactly this, and I wrote down what actually helps — so that people who are where I was don't have to find out too late that it was fixable.
Jessa Zimmerman is a certified sex therapist and couples' counselor who works with couples in good relationships who are avoiding sex because it has become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. She has been featured in Refinery29, Business Insider, MindBodyGreen and Marriage.com.
If the book isn't enough on its own
There's a course that walks you through it
Some couples read the book and get everything they need from it. Others want the work laid out step by step, with me talking them through each part.
Intimacy With Ease® is a private space for couples to work on desire discrepancy — mismatched libido — along with whatever else is making your sex life harder. It's the book's ideas, built into a process you do together.
Or start with the free resources — there are several, and they cost nothing.
Sex can be easy again
Not perfect, not constant — easy. Something the two of you do together without either of you bracing for it. That's what this book is for.