Should You Leave a Sexless Marriage — Or Cheat? Here’s What I’d Say Instead
I didn’t think it was a controversial thing to say: don’t accept sex that your partner very obviously doesn’t want.
But apparently that poked the manosphere or something, because boy, were there a lot of comments. They surprised me, and honestly, I’d have to say they disheartened me.
The three answers I kept hearing
There was a lot of “just leave.” There was a lot of “get a side piece” — or more than one. And there was a whole theme of “see, it’s bait and switch. They’re fine until they get the ring.”
All of those comments were from men. By the way, none of the higher-desire women were saying “just leave.”
Not everybody reacted that way. Plenty of people reached out with “What do we do? How do we fix it? Could you help?” That’s all great. But I wanted to speak to the other group.
Why “just leave” and “just cheat” are entitled answers
What I’d say to those folks is: it’s entitled. The idea that your only two options are to leave over sex or to cheat — that’s entitlement.
It’s not a transaction. It is not an entitlement.
It is important. I’m a sex therapist because I believe sex is important, and it’s okay that it matters to you. It’s absolutely okay to advocate for your needs. But come to your partner and try to work it out. Talk to them.
Is it a “bait and switch”? No — but something real did change
I want to take that one seriously, because the people saying it aren’t imagining the change. Something is different from how it was.
But it isn’t a trap, and nobody sprang it on you. Circumstances change as we age. They change as we live with the same person for years. Bodies change, stress changes, health changes, what a day demands of us changes. That’s not somebody withdrawing what they promised — it’s a real shift, and it’s one you have to address.
Here’s the part most people don’t know: it is completely normal to accumulate more obstacles over time, and it is completely normal for desire to become more responsive rather than spontaneous. Early on, wanting it showed up on its own. Later, wanting it shows up in response to the right conditions — and if those conditions have quietly disappeared, so has the desire.
That’s not a character flaw and it’s not a con. It’s information about what needs to change.
When leaving a sexless marriage actually does make sense
Now, it is possible to leave over sex. There are stages where that makes sense.
You’re just dating. You’re seeing more than one person. It’s early, you’re not that invested — why not move on? (Don’t cheat. But move on.)
And even at the end of a very long committed relationship, you might get to the point where you realize this is a deal breaker for you, and you decide to end it. That’s a legitimate choice. In my view, it should come after you’ve exhausted every possibility of trying to make it work — not before you’ve really tried.
It’s the middle I care about. And most people asking “should I leave a sexless marriage?” are squarely in the middle.
In the middle, it’s a shared problem
In the middle, it’s so important to actually communicate and work on it together.
I always start from the premise that the lower-desire person is up against some legitimate obstacles. What are those? And more importantly — how do I contribute to them?
That second question is the one that changes things. Seeing this as the lower-desire person’s fault or failing is not going to help you fix it. Understanding that it’s co-created, and that you have a role in it too, is a huge part of the work. From there, you explore together what it’s going to take to make this better.
What I’m not saying
I’m not talking about settling. I’m not talking about waiting around until they’re interested. I’m not talking about accepting the status quo. I’m not talking about living out your life together like roommates.
I’m talking about working on it as a team, and seeing it as a shared problem.
What the couples who get through this have in common
The people saying “just leave,” “just cheat” — they don’t understand.
The people I work with are committed. They love this person. They value everything that’s great about the relationship. They’re invested and they want it to work. They don’t want to leave. They certainly don’t want to cheat.
They want to figure out a way to work on it.
Common questions about mismatched desire
Is it ever okay to end a relationship over sex?
Yes. Early on, when you’re not that invested, moving on is a perfectly reasonable choice. And at the far end of a long relationship, you may decide this is a deal breaker for you. What I’d ask is that it comes after you’ve genuinely tried — not as your first move.
Is cheating ever justified in a sexless marriage?
No. If sex matters to you enough to go outside the relationship, it matters enough to have a hard conversation inside it. Cheating doesn’t solve the problem; it adds a second one.
Whose fault is mismatched desire?
Neither partner’s, and both partners’. The lower-desire partner is usually up against real obstacles and is stuck in a cycle of sexual avoidance. The higher-desire partner is usually contributing to some of them without meaning to. It’s co-created, and that’s actually good news — it means there’s something you can do.
How do I bring this up without it turning into a fight?
Lead with curiosity instead of a complaint. “What gets in the way for you?” goes somewhere. “Why don’t you ever want me?” doesn’t.
If you’re the higher-desire partner and you’re tired of having the same painful conversation, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Learn more about how my course could help.