Differences in desire are universal. Think about it – why would any two people want exactly the same amount of sex? At least over time.

So believe it or not, your mismatched libidos don’t have to cause a problem.

But it becomes a problem for so many people because of how they handle it. In this post, we’re going to talk about the traps people fall into and how you and your partner can handle these differences differently so it doesn’t cause stress and disappointment anymore.

First, we need to understand a few things about mismatched libido in the first place. So it is universal. And it’s also relative! It’s the difference between two people at one point in time. It’s your desire relative to your partner’s. It’s not that one of you has high desire or low desire. It’s that you have higher desire or lower desire than your partner. You may have been the lower desire person earlier in your relationship, and now you’re the higher desire partner. Or you might have been the higher desire partner in a different relationship, but now you’re the lower one. This is crucial to understand. No one is broken. There is no “right” or “healthy” or “normal” amount of desire.

The next thing to understand is that the lower desire partner has the control. And not because they want it! They usually hate having the control But anyone who wants something less is the one that says yes/no, how, and when. They have their hand on the spigot. And they really can’t get away from that fact. It’s important to understand they are not trying to control you. And they aren’t enjoying the control, either. It’s just part of the system.

There is also pressure that’s created when someone wants something more than someone else. And it’s not just because the higher desire person is pressuring their partner. It’s baked in. Just knowing your partner wants more sex creates pressure. No matter what you do. You have to understand this so you don’t “wait for the pressure goes away” before you do anything about your sex life.

So now we have the basics about how mismatched libidos work. Let’s look at the traps each person tends to fall into that turn it into a problem.

For the lower desire person, the first trap is just thinking this is just the way it is, there’s nothing they can do about their lack of libido. They don’t realize there is a whole second of desire they could access. Building on that, they probably feel broken or inadequate. They feel like they’re missing something and there’s nothing they can do. This is disempowering. And feeling bad about themselves just makes them avoid it more.

The second trap is waiting for that pressure to go away. They may say they want their partner to stop initiating sex or bringing it up. But the pressure is built it. You have to move forward despite that feeling of pressure.

The third trap for the lower desire partner is being passive and stuck. If they just feel broken, if they just think this is how it is, they don’t do anything. They don’t take an active role. This either stops any work on your sex life at all OR puts it all on the higher desire partner to figure it out.

Now, let’s look at the traps for the higher desire partner. What could you be doing that’s making this a problem?

The first trap is to think that your partner is just broken or it’s their problem. It just makes them feel bad. and stuck. This ignores the fact that a sex life is co-created, and you have a role. In fact, I have a video that I made as a special training for the students in my Intimacy with Ease course about the 5 things you’re probably doing that are making it worse. I’ll link that here.

The second trap is to take their lower desire personally. To think it’s about you. to take it as rejection or like you aren’t desirable or important. This changes the meaning of sex. Now it’s not about sharing something; now it’s something they should do to make you feel good about yourself or feel better about the relationship. Rather than taking it personally, just see it as how their desire works. And understand that they have a different kind of desire, and it needs to be accessed differently.

The last trap is to stop initiating, to either try to take the pressure off (which we already learned doesn’t happen) or to create a test to see how long they’ll go before they bring it up. Just because you stop initiating doesn’t mean the pressure is gone. You’re both still aware that you want sex. you’re both aware that time is passing. Now it’s just on them to bring it up – that actually puts more pressure on them. And if you just decide to sit back and see how long they’ll go if you don’t mention it, you’re not making progress on meeting in the middle. Now it’s a game or a test, and it’s just going to make you feel worse.

So what do you do instead? You need to be able to help your partner want more sex. And that’s possible because there are legitimate obstacles in the way that you can fix, and there’s another kind of desire that they have, even if they have seemed to have zero libido. I’ve got a video available for you about how to access that desire.

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