Here are 5 things not to say if you want more sex in your relationship

Here are 5 things not to say if you want more sex in your relationship

How often do you have sex? Many couples focus on frequency of sex, and that’s the wrong conversation. If you want more sex in your relationship, you will likely push your partner away if you start the conversation focused on how often you’re having sex or the fact that you want more of it.

Focusing on frequency of sex is a red herring. Because in reality, you don’t just want them to have more sex with you; you want them to want it. So any conversation that focuses on frequency of sex is going in the wrong direction.
I’m going to talk about 5 things you should not say to your partner if you want them to want to have more sex with you.
“You don’t understand how important this is to me.” I get your frustration. And the rejection, disappointment, and pain you probably feel. It’s easy to think your partner isn’t prioritizing you and your needs. That all feels true. But if you approach your partner with how they are letting you down, they are just more likely to feel bad about themselves. In my experience, the person less interested in sex feels guilty already. They wish they wanted more. They feel broken. If you end up making them feel worse about themselves, it just blocks them more.
“It’s been X days since we’ve had sex.” This statement has a couple of problems. First, it communicates that you’re counting the time as it passes. And it reinforces the idea that there is some sort of quota to meet. It’s all focused on the numbers instead of desire, instead of what could make sex more approachable to your partner.
“Maybe you should see the doctor or a therapist.” Oh boy, does that communicate that they are the problem. This overlooks the fact that sexual desire is complicated. It’s also situational – your sex life happens in the context of your relationship. Suggesting that your partner just needs to go fix this, as if it’s only their issue, is again going to make them feel bad. Probably resistant or defensive. More guilty. And it just misses the point that a sex life is co-created. It’s not something they can go fix alone in a therapist’s office.
“I’ve planned more dates and we’re still not having sex.” Ok, so you may be trying to take care of what your partner needs in addition to thinking about the sex you’ve wanted. You’re listening to them if they say they need more quality time or emotional connection. That recognizes that sex happens in the context of your relationship. But putting it like this makes it sound tit for tat. Like it’s transactional. Like they owe you because you planned date nights. This is just going to increase the idea that there is an obligation to have sex.
“Why don’t you want sex?” (as a rhetorical question). This is what you should be asking, but you need to truly want to know. What is in the way of feeling more desire? Am I doing anything that makes it harder to want sex? What else do you need to to make sex a bigger part of our life together? What do you like in terms of physical touch? Has anything changed in how your body works or responds that I should know about?
Questions like these show you understand that they may have some legitimate obstacles to sex and sexual desire. That you know you may have a role in why this has become difficult. This is the nature of the conversation you should have.
I have a video for you about helping your partner want more sex; it’s a perfect continuation of this discussion.
Still struggling with mismatched sex drives?

Still struggling with mismatched sex drives?

Differences in desire are universal. Think about it – why would any two people want exactly the same amount of sex? At least over time.

So believe it or not, your mismatched libidos don’t have to cause a problem.

But it becomes a problem for so many people because of how they handle it. In this post, we’re going to talk about the traps people fall into and how you and your partner can handle these differences differently so it doesn’t cause stress and disappointment anymore.

First, we need to understand a few things about mismatched libido in the first place. So it is universal. And it’s also relative! It’s the difference between two people at one point in time. It’s your desire relative to your partner’s. It’s not that one of you has high desire or low desire. It’s that you have higher desire or lower desire than your partner. You may have been the lower desire person earlier in your relationship, and now you’re the higher desire partner. Or you might have been the higher desire partner in a different relationship, but now you’re the lower one. This is crucial to understand. No one is broken. There is no “right” or “healthy” or “normal” amount of desire.

The next thing to understand is that the lower desire partner has the control. And not because they want it! They usually hate having the control But anyone who wants something less is the one that says yes/no, how, and when. They have their hand on the spigot. And they really can’t get away from that fact. It’s important to understand they are not trying to control you. And they aren’t enjoying the control, either. It’s just part of the system.

There is also pressure that’s created when someone wants something more than someone else. And it’s not just because the higher desire person is pressuring their partner. It’s baked in. Just knowing your partner wants more sex creates pressure. No matter what you do. You have to understand this so you don’t “wait for the pressure goes away” before you do anything about your sex life.

So now we have the basics about how mismatched libidos work. Let’s look at the traps each person tends to fall into that turn it into a problem.

For the lower desire person, the first trap is just thinking this is just the way it is, there’s nothing they can do about their lack of libido. They don’t realize there is a whole second of desire they could access. Building on that, they probably feel broken or inadequate. They feel like they’re missing something and there’s nothing they can do. This is disempowering. And feeling bad about themselves just makes them avoid it more.

The second trap is waiting for that pressure to go away. They may say they want their partner to stop initiating sex or bringing it up. But the pressure is built it. You have to move forward despite that feeling of pressure.

The third trap for the lower desire partner is being passive and stuck. If they just feel broken, if they just think this is how it is, they don’t do anything. They don’t take an active role. This either stops any work on your sex life at all OR puts it all on the higher desire partner to figure it out.

Now, let’s look at the traps for the higher desire partner. What could you be doing that’s making this a problem?

The first trap is to think that your partner is just broken or it’s their problem. It just makes them feel bad. and stuck. This ignores the fact that a sex life is co-created, and you have a role. In fact, I have a video that I made as a special training for the students in my Intimacy with Ease course about the 5 things you’re probably doing that are making it worse. I’ll link that here.

The second trap is to take their lower desire personally. To think it’s about you. to take it as rejection or like you aren’t desirable or important. This changes the meaning of sex. Now it’s not about sharing something; now it’s something they should do to make you feel good about yourself or feel better about the relationship. Rather than taking it personally, just see it as how their desire works. And understand that they have a different kind of desire, and it needs to be accessed differently.

The last trap is to stop initiating, to either try to take the pressure off (which we already learned doesn’t happen) or to create a test to see how long they’ll go before they bring it up. Just because you stop initiating doesn’t mean the pressure is gone. You’re both still aware that you want sex. you’re both aware that time is passing. Now it’s just on them to bring it up – that actually puts more pressure on them. And if you just decide to sit back and see how long they’ll go if you don’t mention it, you’re not making progress on meeting in the middle. Now it’s a game or a test, and it’s just going to make you feel worse.

So what do you do instead? You need to be able to help your partner want more sex. And that’s possible because there are legitimate obstacles in the way that you can fix, and there’s another kind of desire that they have, even if they have seemed to have zero libido. I’ve got a video available for you about how to access that desire.

Why some people regret scheduled sex

Why some people regret scheduled sex

Scheduling sex is one of the worst pieces of advice people get. And it’s going to make sense to you why this is by the end of this post.

Now, I’ll tell you that if scheduling sex fixes your problem, if that’s all it takes to make you and your partner both happy, then the only issue you had was one of finding time and prioritizing intimacy. Great.
But for most people, that is not their problem.
The actual problem is that one of you is really interested in sex, and the other isn’t. One of you has little to no libido. One of you is starting to feel like sex is a chore or a burden or an obligation. One of you may be starting to avoid sex altogether.
Putting sex on the calendar is only going to make that worse.
Let me say that again. Scheduling sex is basically the worst thing you can do.
Why do some many “experts” tell you to do it? They’re missing the point. They are thinking that the person with little desire can prepare, they can know it’s coming, they can ‘get in the headspace.’ And maybe that even works for a short time. but what’s going to happen is the person is going to start to dread that date. They’re going to go through the motions, like they are checking something off the to do list. They’re going to start making excuses and avoiding it, too.
Putting it on the calendar only increases the sense that this a chore and an obligation. How is it going to help someone want sex just because we put it on the calendar for 8 pm next Sunday?
The problem is that you are scheduling something very specific. No matter how we feel, we are supposed to show up and have sex.
Think about it. It’s like deciding that you’re going out for a 4 course Italian meal every Friday at 6. What if you aren’t hungry? What if you don’t feel like Italian food? What if you’re not feeling that connected to your partner? Just because you say ‘we’re going to have sex next Sunday at 8’ doesn’t do anything for someone’s DESIRE for sex. And desire is key to your sex life working.
I have a video for you about helping your partner want more sex. https://youtu.be/WgOu3atTfjU
Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Let’s talk about how to approach your partner about your desire for more intimacy in your relationship.

This is the first pillar of my Intimacy with Ease program that is all about enticing your partner into the process of improving your sex life and becoming teammates in a way that makes intimacy easy for both of you. But to do that, you have to be able to bring up the conversation in a way that makes it easy for them to join you.
What most bedroom burdened couples do is either avoid the topic altogether OR bring it up in ways that end up in fights or hard feelings. So what happens is at least one of you feels defensive, inadequate, or hopeless, and nothing actually gets better in the bedroom. And it gets harder and harder to bring the whole thing up again.
We are going to cover 5 steps for how to actually approach your partner so they are going to want to work with you to address whatever issues you’re having in your love life.
How well do the two of you talk about difficult topics? Are you experts at staying on the same team when you Have differences of opinion or competing needs?
That’s why the very first step is to master communication skills that allow you to talk about the toughest subjects So that you can work as a team on this instead of alienating her or making your partner defensive Good communication creates connection. And you need connection for intimacy. How you are going to have the intimacy (and sex) you want if your communication causes disconnection instead? And I know you may be thinking, But Jessa, we’ve tried talking about this, and it doesn’t go well! In effect, you’re concluding that it’s not worth it to try to talk about it. But the thing is, communication is a skill. There are tools to use so that you can be heard, and so can your partner! What is you could communicate in a way that totally changed the conversation? You can lead the change in how the two of you talk about this.
If you don’t know how to communicate well and keep the conversation connected and supportive, you’re likely to drive your partner away or continue to have sex be a point of tension or conflict. You need to learn the 3 most important skills and a framework for these conversations that allow you to both feel heard And results in feeling like you’re on the same page, same side of the table, working toward win/win.
Step Two is that you have to get clear on what you think is going on, your perspective on what’s happening and how you got here. Because when you do this, you’re able identify what’s going wrong and what you would like to be happening instead. This means you are focused on a positive outcome instead of just focusing on the past.
Step Three is to figure out how you are part of the problem. Every situation is co-created. You may have spent a lot of time in your own feelings of disappointment, rejection, frustration, and despair. You may have been focusing on your partner’s lack of desire and the lack of sex in your relationship. If you keep focusing on what they aren’t doing, they’ll keep feeling broken and guilty and aren’t empowered to change anything. The truth is you have a lot to do with why sex has become difficult, and it’s crucial to focus on your own steps in this dance so that your partner sees you taking responsibility rather than just blaming them. and that encourages them to do the same. This is crucial because this step is what will help your partner be open to the talk rather than getting defensive.
Step Four is to try to get into your partner’s head and imagine what they are feeling about the difficulties you’re having in the bedroom. Now that you’ve taken a look at how you have made things worse, imagine how they experience this whole dance around sex. How does their lack of interest make sense? What are they trying to avoid? What could they be afraid of? Developing this empathy and compassion for their lack of desire helps them get over feeling broken and inadequate. You have to go into this conversation leading with the idea that they are not broken, this is not just their problem. This is the step that will bring them on board as your teammate, so they can want to solve this with you rather than stay stuck.
Step Five is to bring up the conversation in the right way at the right time. Approach it from a positive place – you love them and you want your relationship to be as strong as possible. Tell them it’s not their fault and it’s not just their problem. Tell them you’ve realized that plenty of it is on you. Show them you’re willing to look at your side, take accountability, and be willing to change. Because when you do that you don’t end up in a fight, you create an alliance to work on this together.
You just learned how to approach your partner about how you want to improve intimacy in your relationship, but that’s just the first step. You still need a way to actually change what happens in the bedroom. That’s why you need a way to tap into your partner’s hidden sexual desire; that’s what makes sex easy and fun for both of you. I’ve got a video teed up for you talking about just that!
How to tap into your partner’s responsive desire

How to tap into your partner’s responsive desire

What if I told you that it’s possible for someone to want physical intimacy when they haven’t felt desire in a long time? This is because there are two types of desire, and one of them is hidden (responsive desire). Most people don’t know about the hidden kind, and they certainly don’t know how to access it.

The kind of desire we know about I call “proactive desire.” This is where sex is on your mind, you’re interested, you’re in the mood, you’d like to make this happen. This is what we think of as libido or sex drive. I think this is what we expect to feel. And when someone doesn’t…we assume something is wrong or they just don’t have sex drive.
But there’s another kind that I call “reactive desire.” Others have called it responsive desire. This is where someone isn’t thinking about sex, they aren’t in the mood, it could be the last thing on their mind. But if they got started, if they got what they need, maybe their body wakes up. Maybe they end up aroused. THEN they want sex.
Nothing is broken with this. Nothing is going wrong. This is a valid and common way people experience desire.
But it’s hidden! The engine is cold. This person is starting at zero.
To tap into this desire, you need to both create opportunities that bring it out AND move things out of the way that block it.
Reactive or responsive desire needs:
  • Opportunities – you have to start.
  • Willingness – to start and to switch gears. Your partner needs to be open to starting and to getting in the mood.
  • Input – they need to let you know where they want to start and what would feel good. They need to take an active role in figuring out what would feel good, what they would enjoy.
  • It probably needs a different on ramp – what works when the engine is already running may not be appealing at all when the engine is cold. You likely have to go slower and start with different things. This is unfamiliar territory for a lot of people. You need to explore, together, to see what works. And it’s not like it’s a recipe you can follow every time. You’ll need to communicate every time about what feels good and what feels right.
  • Flexibility – Someone who isn’t in the mood yet cannot know if they will end up there. Reactive desire shows up somewhere between 5% and 95% of the time. Not 100. It has to be ok, for both of you, if whatever you’re doing doesn’t end up in sexual desire or sex. This is what takes the risk out of it for them.
So what gets in the way? Anything that creates pressure or expectation. Reactive desire needs a big “maybe.” Maybe they’ll end up interested, but maybe not. That has to be okay. So being goal oriented or attached to an outcome will most likely make your partner unwilling to start or unable to relax enough to become interested. If they think they have to finish anything they start, they won’t show up unless they’re sure they can finish. That leads to a lot of no. And then, if they are experiencing things that make desire or pleasure difficult – life stresses, sexual dysfunction, changes in their bodies or sexual functioning, mental health concerns, grief, trauma, stresses…those can all make it difficult to be present, to focus on pleasure, and to end up in the mood. Visit my youtube channel for more!

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