Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

Why won’t my partner have sex with me?

What if I told you someone can go from zero libido to wanting sex again?

I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples with desire discrepancy. And often, the “lower desire partner” has little to no libido. Both people think that’s just the way it is.

And I don’t have to tell you that their desire matters. You don’t want them having sex with you as if they’re doing you a favor or checking a box. Both people have to want sex in order for it to be fulfilling.

The truth is that there are two kinds of sex drive, but only tend to know about one. Your partner probably has the other, hidden kind. The kind that needs to be nurtured and coaxed out. The kind shows up after you start, where they end up getting in the mood. But this kind of desire has to be treated differently. It moves slower, it needs the right on ramp, so it needs input from your partner, and it needs “maybe.”

So many couples treat sex like it’s all or nothing. Like if we start this, we need to finish. Like it has to lead to a certain act or outcome. Your partner likely won’t even start if they feel like they are committing to the “whole thing.” You won’t even get a chance to tap into their desire if they feel that kind of pressure.

It’s also true that they are probably up against real obstacles! Legitimate things that block their desire or affect their sexual functioning or pleasure. Think about the long list of things can affect people’s sexual interest: body image issues, depression and anxiety, work stress, relationship issues, trauma, grief, overwhelm, shame and inexperience, and pressure.

It’s crucial that you move as many obstacles out of the way as well as create space for that hidden desire.

So when it comes to making sex easy and fun again, you need a way to both want sex. I’ve got a video showing you that you can help your partner want sex again so it never feels like a chore and you can have a sex life that is truly fulfilling for both of you.

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why do so many people start to avoid intimacy or sex?

It actually makes perfect sense when you understand what’s going on. And once you do, you can change it.
I coined the term “sexual avoidance cycle” because I saw that pattern with client after client. Here’s what happens.
When you have sexual experiences that don’t meet your expectations, they seem to go wrong or be a problem, you’re going to have negative feelings about that. I mean, at the least, disappointment. But maybe feelings of inadequacy, fear and worry, resentment, dread, rejection…
It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad. So when sex goes badly often enough, it’s normal to avoid it. Why would you go skipping off to the bedroom if there’s a good chance you’re going to run into those feelings? If you’re going to feel broken, guilty, self conscious, If your partner will be disappointed, sad or frustrated?
The problem is, nothing is going to get better if you avoid it. It doesn’t just solve itself. And in fact, it increases the pressure. There is more pressure on your sex life – we should be having sex, and we’re not. I want sex, and I’m not getting it. But there’s also more pressure on the sex you do have. If you have sex frequently, whatever that is for you, no big deal if one time doesn’t go that well, right? We’ll do it again on Sunday, or whatever. But when sex is infrequent, each time seems to matter more. This time better work or go well because who knows when we’ll do it again. There’s more pressure that it work, that it satisfy, that it disprove our underlying fear that something is wrong.
But how can it go well under this kind of pressure? How can you really relax and enjoy when there’s that much pressure on it? When the stakes feel high? You can’t. You’re way more likely to have a hard time and have yet another encounter that disappoints.
And then round and round you go.
If you’ve been struggling with lack of sex and sexual avoidance, this is probably why. You’ve gotten caught in the cycle, and you need a way out. If your partner seems like they don’t want sex, like they are avoiding it, I can promise you they are stuck in that place of feeling all the negative feelings related to letting you down and sex not going well or being easy. Not wanting sex makes them feel bad, and that makes them avoid the whole thing.
If you want to know more about unlocking their desire and escaping the cycle, I’ve got a video for you about helping them want more sex despite how it’s been going so far.
Sexless marriage or headed that way?

Sexless marriage or headed that way?

If you’re in an otherwise pretty happy relationship, but you’re in a sexless marriage or relationship (or worried you’ll end up there), despite your best effort to talk to your partner about it, schedule sex, or plan more dates, I’d like to show you how to get your partner to want sex without it ever feeling like a chore so that the two of you can both be satisfied. Even if you typically struggle to get them to do anything about it because of their lack of interest.
The number one thing I want you to take away from this article is that you can revive a sexless marriage by focusing on helping your partner actually want sex; it is the only way you’re going to have a thriving sex life… which is not the same thing as getting them to just have sex.
Finding a way for your partner to enjoy sex, so it’s for them, too, is key to a sex life that really works for both of you. Think about it like this… It’s like going on a picnic. What if they never put anything in the basket they like to eat? What if it’s always the cured meats you happen to love? How long will they really be excited to go on a picnic with you? How long before they dread it? Avoid it?
The first thing you need to know about finding your partner’s desire for sex is that the goal is for sex to actually be easy and fun for both of you. No more sexless marriage or relationship, struggles over frequency, or whether the stars are aligned, or how long it’s been…Now it can be something you both actually look forward to.
Simply put, if your partner doesn’t actually want sex, then they’re either not having it (hence, the sexless marriage or relationship) OR they’re having sex they don’t want. Neither of those options is good for either of you. And in fact, that will damage your relationship over time.
Both of you wanting sex is how you get a sex life that’s fulfilling and fun… Unlike scheduling it or begging for it or getting it done like an item on their to do list where it only feels more and more like they’re doing you a favor or completing an unpleasant chore.
However… you have to get your partner on board to deal with this in order to make this work. And how are you going to do that when they’ve made it pretty clear they just don’t have desire, they aren’t that interested in fixing this, or completely avoid the subject?
Now I teach this inside Intimacy with Ease, but let me give you the basics because this seems to be one of the biggest takeaways for students inside of this course, for example, “We are now able to enjoy each other without putting pressure on ourselves. We think of our intimate time together as play now. We are no longer trapped in a cage we built with our own hands.”
When I first started helping couples, I ran into the problems with desire discrepancy with every single client! However, I focused on ways to help the “lower desire” person find things they wanted, that they’d find engaging, that would give them a reason to look forward to sex, and it worked because it didn’t force them to do things they didn’t want to do, it didn’t focus on meeting a quota, and it didn’t set them up to feel like they were failing or broken.
That’s when I realized: your partner’s desire is key to your sex life working for both of you. They need access to their own desire.
Then, sex is working. It’s easy. It’s fun. And the two of you no longer have a barrier or a dark shadow or a disconnection to drive you apart. Now, you can feel totally close and connected.
But I get it. Maybe your partner won’t even begin to talk about this, much less do anything about it because they don’t have any desire, or at least not much. They haven’t felt it in a long time. They probably think this is just the way they are. They feel stuck and hopeless. They are probably just as unhappy in this sexless relationship.
And maybe you’re like this too. “No way my partner is going to get on board with this. We can’t even talk about it anymore without it feeling worse…”
So if you’re thinking, there’s just no way my partner is going to want sex, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk to them about this, this is just the way it is…I want to show you the five common things you’re probably doing that are turning your partner off and making them avoid this whole thing – my “Stop 5 Strategy.”
Because if you’re feeling hopeless, googling “living with a sexless marriage,” pondering divorce or breaking up, or feeling like you might just have to accept this part of your life dying and you’re going to go the rest of your life without the sex you’d like to be having… I want to show you how by stopping these five things you can win over your partner without increasing their sense of pressure or bringing up their resistance or defensiveness.
Now, obviously, I can’t get your partner to suddenly want to jump your bones every day, but I can show you how to open the door to their desire.. I know you might be thinking, “I mean, I know it’s not good, but it’s not THAT bad.” But do you really want to wait until it’s THAT BAD before you do something about this? If you’re struggling with unhappiness about the desire discrepancy now then you definitely don’t have time to let this grow and fester, where it could eventually threaten your relationship itself.
So this Stop 5 strategy is like a defense melter for your partner to be willing to work on this with you so you can heat it up! And make sex easy and fun and just one great part of an already good relationship.
The Stop 5 strategy training is a bonus that I created for students inside Intimacy with Ease. But I’m gonna link it up for you, for free,  because my paid clients and students have gotten so much value from it, and I want to get it to as many people as possible. It can make that much difference! I think once you see how easy it is to get your partner to work on this with you, that actually lets you have more sex together, you’ll be able to start getting the satisfaction you want and see that it isn’t such an uphill battle because your partner wants it, too.
Then it’s gonna feel so good to create a fun and easy sex life and see how close you feel and how little you even have to think about sex anymore!
#135 – Optimal Sexual Experiences – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz

#135 – Optimal Sexual Experiences – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz

Listen to “135: Optimal Sexual Experiences – Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz”

Optimal Sexual Experiences 

On this episode, Dr Kleinplatz introduces her findings around “optimal sexual experiences” based on actual interviews she performed. After much research, she shares these eight components couples need to have to eventually reach an optimal sexual experience: 

  1. Being totally absorbed in the moment 
  2. Sharing a connection with  your partner 
  3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy 
  4. High levels of empathic communication 
  5. Fun, laughter, exploration and good risk-taking 
  6. Authenticity 
  7. Vulnerability 
  8. Transcendence 

Her findings show that people begin to seek these experiences around their mid 50’s. Part of the process of discovery is unlearning much of what we know about sex growing up. Spontaneity arises as one of the behaviors to “unlearn “ as Peggy candidly shares her views on this. 

Anyone can get there! 

Peggy has found that people with chronic illness are enjoying magnificent sex! In an unexpected twist of events, Peggy’s co-workers proved that presumed stereotypes are false. She shares that consent is a major piece of the puzzle and contributes to empathic communication. 

Peggy educates us about moving from good to magnificent sex explaining that getting to know each other on an ongoing basis builds trust to explore deeper levels of your relationship. 

We learn about differentiation and how it impacts reaching optimal sexual experiences while identifying that therapy has to be customized to each individual. 

To reach for the optimal sexual experience goal, Peggy highlights that respect for each other is crucial. 

Resources and Links 

Website: www.optimalsexualexperiences.com 

Book: Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers (routledge.com/9780367181376) 


Peggy J. Kleinplatz, Ph.D., is a Professor in the Faculty of Medicine and Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa, Canada. She was awarded the Prix d?Excellence in 2000 for her teaching of Human Sexuality. She is a Certified Sex Therapist and Educator.

She is the Director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences Research Team of the University of Ottawa and has a particular interest in sexual health in the elderly, disabled and marginalized populations. 

Kleinplatz has edited four books, notably New Directions in Sex Therapy: 

Innovations and Alternatives (2012), winner of the AASECT 2013 Book Award,  

Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures with Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. (2006) 

Sexuality and Ageing with Walter Bouman, M.D. (2015).  

She is the author with  A. Dana Menard, PhD of Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers 

In 2015, Kleinplatz received the American Association of Sexuality Educators,  Counselors and Therapists Professional Standard of Excellence Award. 

More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
#120 – Pressures on Men – Dr. Corey Allan

#120 – Pressures on Men – Dr. Corey Allan

Listen to “120: Pressures on Men – Dr. Corey Allan”

The Pressures on Men in the Bedroom 

Dr. Corey Allan is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with a PhD in Family Therapy. He has a private practice in McKinney, TX. With his wife, Pam, he hosts a weekly podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio, to help married couples engage with each other and have the best possible sex. He also established sexymarriage.net, a website that strengthens and deepens married relationships. In all his work, he helps people embrace their choice to live life and be married deliberately while growing spiritually, enhancing passion, and embracing the people and events we encounter with joy and simplicity. 


We use cookies to give you the best online experience. By agreeing you accept the use of cookies in accordance with our cookie policy.