Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why does my partner avoid intimacy?

Why do so many people start to avoid intimacy or sex?

It actually makes perfect sense when you understand what’s going on. And once you do, you can change it.
I coined the term “sexual avoidance cycle” because I saw that pattern with client after client. Here’s what happens.
When you have sexual experiences that don’t meet your expectations, they seem to go wrong or be a problem, you’re going to have negative feelings about that. I mean, at the least, disappointment. But maybe feelings of inadequacy, fear and worry, resentment, dread, rejection…
It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad. So when sex goes badly often enough, it’s normal to avoid it. Why would you go skipping off to the bedroom if there’s a good chance you’re going to run into those feelings? If you’re going to feel broken, guilty, self conscious, If your partner will be disappointed, sad or frustrated?
The problem is, nothing is going to get better if you avoid it. It doesn’t just solve itself. And in fact, it increases the pressure. There is more pressure on your sex life – we should be having sex, and we’re not. I want sex, and I’m not getting it. But there’s also more pressure on the sex you do have. If you have sex frequently, whatever that is for you, no big deal if one time doesn’t go that well, right? We’ll do it again on Sunday, or whatever. But when sex is infrequent, each time seems to matter more. This time better work or go well because who knows when we’ll do it again. There’s more pressure that it work, that it satisfy, that it disprove our underlying fear that something is wrong.
But how can it go well under this kind of pressure? How can you really relax and enjoy when there’s that much pressure on it? When the stakes feel high? You can’t. You’re way more likely to have a hard time and have yet another encounter that disappoints.
And then round and round you go.
If you’ve been struggling with lack of sex and sexual avoidance, this is probably why. You’ve gotten caught in the cycle, and you need a way out. If your partner seems like they don’t want sex, like they are avoiding it, I can promise you they are stuck in that place of feeling all the negative feelings related to letting you down and sex not going well or being easy. Not wanting sex makes them feel bad, and that makes them avoid the whole thing.
If you want to know more about unlocking their desire and escaping the cycle, I’ve got a video for you about helping them want more sex despite how it’s been going so far.
Sexless marriage or headed that way?

Sexless marriage or headed that way?

If you’re in an otherwise pretty happy relationship, but you’re in a sexless marriage or relationship (or worried you’ll end up there), despite your best effort to talk to your partner about it, schedule sex, or plan more dates, I’d like to show you how to get your partner to want sex without it ever feeling like a chore so that the two of you can both be satisfied. Even if you typically struggle to get them to do anything about it because of their lack of interest.
The number one thing I want you to take away from this article is that you can revive a sexless marriage by focusing on helping your partner actually want sex; it is the only way you’re going to have a thriving sex life… which is not the same thing as getting them to just have sex.
Finding a way for your partner to enjoy sex, so it’s for them, too, is key to a sex life that really works for both of you. Think about it like this… It’s like going on a picnic. What if they never put anything in the basket they like to eat? What if it’s always the cured meats you happen to love? How long will they really be excited to go on a picnic with you? How long before they dread it? Avoid it?
The first thing you need to know about finding your partner’s desire for sex is that the goal is for sex to actually be easy and fun for both of you. No more sexless marriage or relationship, struggles over frequency, or whether the stars are aligned, or how long it’s been…Now it can be something you both actually look forward to.
Simply put, if your partner doesn’t actually want sex, then they’re either not having it (hence, the sexless marriage or relationship) OR they’re having sex they don’t want. Neither of those options is good for either of you. And in fact, that will damage your relationship over time.
Both of you wanting sex is how you get a sex life that’s fulfilling and fun… Unlike scheduling it or begging for it or getting it done like an item on their to do list where it only feels more and more like they’re doing you a favor or completing an unpleasant chore.
However… you have to get your partner on board to deal with this in order to make this work. And how are you going to do that when they’ve made it pretty clear they just don’t have desire, they aren’t that interested in fixing this, or completely avoid the subject?
Now I teach this inside Intimacy with Ease, but let me give you the basics because this seems to be one of the biggest takeaways for students inside of this course, for example, “We are now able to enjoy each other without putting pressure on ourselves. We think of our intimate time together as play now. We are no longer trapped in a cage we built with our own hands.”
When I first started helping couples, I ran into the problems with desire discrepancy with every single client! However, I focused on ways to help the “lower desire” person find things they wanted, that they’d find engaging, that would give them a reason to look forward to sex, and it worked because it didn’t force them to do things they didn’t want to do, it didn’t focus on meeting a quota, and it didn’t set them up to feel like they were failing or broken.
That’s when I realized: your partner’s desire is key to your sex life working for both of you. They need access to their own desire.
Then, sex is working. It’s easy. It’s fun. And the two of you no longer have a barrier or a dark shadow or a disconnection to drive you apart. Now, you can feel totally close and connected.
But I get it. Maybe your partner won’t even begin to talk about this, much less do anything about it because they don’t have any desire, or at least not much. They haven’t felt it in a long time. They probably think this is just the way they are. They feel stuck and hopeless. They are probably just as unhappy in this sexless relationship.
And maybe you’re like this too. “No way my partner is going to get on board with this. We can’t even talk about it anymore without it feeling worse…”
So if you’re thinking, there’s just no way my partner is going to want sex, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk to them about this, this is just the way it is…I want to show you the five common things you’re probably doing that are turning your partner off and making them avoid this whole thing – my “Stop 5 Strategy.”
Because if you’re feeling hopeless, googling “living with a sexless marriage,” pondering divorce or breaking up, or feeling like you might just have to accept this part of your life dying and you’re going to go the rest of your life without the sex you’d like to be having… I want to show you how by stopping these five things you can win over your partner without increasing their sense of pressure or bringing up their resistance or defensiveness.
Now, obviously, I can’t get your partner to suddenly want to jump your bones every day, but I can show you how to open the door to their desire.. I know you might be thinking, “I mean, I know it’s not good, but it’s not THAT bad.” But do you really want to wait until it’s THAT BAD before you do something about this? If you’re struggling with unhappiness about the desire discrepancy now then you definitely don’t have time to let this grow and fester, where it could eventually threaten your relationship itself.
So this Stop 5 strategy is like a defense melter for your partner to be willing to work on this with you so you can heat it up! And make sex easy and fun and just one great part of an already good relationship.
The Stop 5 strategy training is a bonus that I created for students inside Intimacy with Ease. But I’m gonna link it up for you, for free,  because my paid clients and students have gotten so much value from it, and I want to get it to as many people as possible. It can make that much difference! I think once you see how easy it is to get your partner to work on this with you, that actually lets you have more sex together, you’ll be able to start getting the satisfaction you want and see that it isn’t such an uphill battle because your partner wants it, too.
Then it’s gonna feel so good to create a fun and easy sex life and see how close you feel and how little you even have to think about sex anymore!
#222 – Testosterone for Women – Dr. Matt Chalmers

#222 – Testosterone for Women – Dr. Matt Chalmers

Listen to “222: Testosterone for Women – Dr. Matt Chalmers”

 

Testosterone for Women 

This episode talks about hormones and how it affects sexual function and overall health of women in particular. Dr. Matt Chalmers explains two primary hormones in women, testosterone and estrogen, and what we can do to keep their levels in check and keep your sex drive up. 

Testosterone and estrogen 

Dr. Chalmers said the problem he ran into is people think that women should focus on their nestrogen levels, which is not really the case. For sexual conversation purposes and if you are experiencing hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness, headache and/or joint pains, we need to look at the estrogen level. Otherwise, we look at your testosterone level, because as we start raising that, the body will convert testosterone into estrogen, balancing the two hormones. 

What is the function of testosterone in women? 

For health purposes, testosterone helps regenerate muscles (your heart is a muscle, your blood vessels all have muscles in them, so this aspect is important). But for sexual functions, testosterone in men can make a lot of things better from a physiological standpoint such as erection. What people fail to remember is that the clitoris is the same tissue embryonically, so you can also get more nerve functions and more blood flow into the clitoris if you give women the right amount of testosterone. A stronger orgasm, for example, is often noticed with higher levels of testosterone. 

Are there any lifestyle changes that are going to affect testosterone levels? 

Stress plays a big part, so your stress level will be evaluated first. We bring nutrients level back to where they’re supposed to be, and then we work on your mind so you can learn how to deal with your stress. That can naturally bring testosterone levels up. However, there is a point in time where your stress, your genetics and everything plays a big role where if we cannot bring it up after that, then we go to the injections, and that will get us where we need to be. 

Are there risks/potential side effects for women using testosterone supplementation? 

Clotting is a safety factor to look at. With higher testosterone, blood gets thicker, so you need regular blood tests. Typical side effect in men is hair loss. With women, some experience acne, darkening of hair, and a good chance that you will gain weight. It ramps up your metabolism so you’ll lose fat but gain muscle, so you may look skinnier but not lose weight on the scale. In that aspect, it will not help with weight loss but will work on fat loss. 

Hormone therapy 

Hormone therapy is recommended to be done for the rest of your lives for its physiological benefits – osteoporosis, heart functions, sexual functions. If we can find a way to take the stress away and bring testosterone levels naturally back up to 100, that is better than medical intervention. But in this time that we live in, there are lots of factors that affect our hormone levels – bad nutrition, bad sleep, high stress and environmental toxins. With hormone therapy intervention, we are increasing the quality of life by changing the physiology a little bit so we can have all the functions that we want to have. Dr. Chalmers underscored, however, that we still need to look hard at the stress level because even with even with high-level testosterone, high sex drive may not be possible. It could be that you fix how your days are structured first before we change the chemistry in your body. 

Biography: 

Dr. Matt Chalmers is a health and wellness expert, author and speaker who specializes in the areas of long-term wellness, nutrition, women’s health, weight loss, athlete wellness and holistic healing. 

With a client list that includes professional athletes, business executives, politicians and celebrities, Dr. Chalmers takes a holistic-based approach with patients to identify and treat the source of their issues. Medical doctors regularly refer patients to Dr. Chalmers when traditional medications and treatments are not working with their patients. 

Dr. Chalmers works with patients to identify, treat and manage a wide variety of issues, including weight loss/gain, digestive problems, chronic fatigue, pain, injuries, celiac disease, chiropractic problems, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel syndrome and plantar fasciitis. He also provides patients with hormone therapy guidance and treatment. 

 Dr. Chalmers is the author of the bestselling book “Pillars of Wellness,” which helps readers cut through the information overload about wellness, exercise and diet to figure out the actions they can take that will have the greatest impact. The book details how to fuel the body physically, mentally and spiritually. 

“How the Chiropractor Saved My Life” by Deborah Bain, M.D. is about her personal journey as a patient through a broken medical system. It details the problems caused by traditional medications and treatments and prominently features Dr. Chalmers as one of the doctors who helped her finally overcome severe health issues and end years of pain and suffering. 

Dr. Chalmers received his degree of Doctor of Chiropractic from Parker Chiropractic College in Dallas. He has a Bachelor of Science in Health and Wellness, is a Certified Clinical Chiropractic Neurologist, a Certified Chiropractic Sports Practitioner and has additional certifications in spinal decompression and quantum reflex analysis. He currently lives in Dallas with his wife. 

Website: https://chalmerswellness.com/ 

More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

 

#216 – Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time – Chelsea Wakefield

#216 – Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time – Chelsea Wakefield

Listen to “216: Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time – Chelsea Wakefield”

Chelsea Wakefield 

Co-Creating a Sex Life Over Time 

What does it really take to make a sex life last? How do archetypes about sex, expectations, and love capacities all come together to be a starting point for you and your partner to have conversations and do things differently to co-create a lasting relationship and sex life? Psychotherapist Dr Chelsea Wakefield explains how to co-create a sex life that you can be excited about for the rest of your life, and how you can build soulful relationships that endure challenges and changes. 

Sexuality and long-term relationships 

Couples in long-term relationships commonly struggle with sexuality at some point and begin to have questions about what can be done to help the relationship move forward to maintain a meaningful connection during the arc of the relationship. What are the elements that can make a relationship and sex life thrive over time? 

Prioritize personal development 

Sexuality should be a priority for couples. Some questions that may be asked before committing to co-creating a sex life: Why would you want to engage in co-creating a sexual relationship? What would it bring in your life? Co-creating a sexual relationship encompasses so many dimensions of relationship including knowing one’s self and defining one’s self as a sexual being. It takes a lot of personal development in each of the parties, otherwise it will not thrive. You don’t change your partner but rather, both need to work on themselves in order to co-create a dynamic sex life. 

Communication is key 

Sex is far from being a natural process. Communication is key to making it last. And communication is not just about talking and saying what you want but knowing who in you is talking and being able to do the necessary shifts. How do I get in touch with my sensual self? How do I access my playful self? How do I shift out of “responsible mother self” to “responsible lover” or “playmate”? How can I and my partner get there together? 

Labyrinth of Love  

In her latest book Labyrinth of Love, Dr Wakefield talks about love capacities that can be applied to any aspect of a relationship, including sexuality. Learn about commitment, courage, curiosity, communication, compassion, and creativity and how these affect the success of a relationship. 

Teamwork 

Self-awareness is crucial in making a relationship thrive. But at the end of the day, it’s teamwork that will make it happen. Once you discover your own history, anxieties, trauma, etc., you share that with your partner and work together as a sexual team and make it a journey of mutual growth. When couples are distressed about the limits of what they’ve tried and feel stuck, know that these roadblocks may not just simply go away but can be transcended by personal growth. Make co-creation of your sexual relationship worth it and something that both of you want to engage in. Step out of the box and encounter each other anew to open the possibility that the other person can engage in the process. 

Biography: 

Dr. Chelsea Wakefield is Director of the Couples Centre for University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences.  She is a psychotherapist, educator, conference facilitator, public speaker, and author.  Dr. Wakefield has written 3 books: 

  • Labyrinth of Love 
  • Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty 
  • In Search of Aphrodite: Women, Archetypes and Sex Therapy 

She is also creator/facilitator of the Luminous Women Weekend 

Dr. Wakefield believes: 

The time we invest in healing wounds of the past, rewriting limiting life scripts, and becoming more consciously aware helps us to make more responsible, respectful choices in life.  It determines the quality of our relationships. Our level of consciousness and presence benefits everyone around us, life partners, friends, co-workers, community and ultimately our world.  

 Resources and links: 

More info and resources:
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

 

#211 – Juicing up Your Sex Life – Alicia Davon

#211 – Juicing up Your Sex Life – Alicia Davon

Listen to “211: Juicing up Your Sex Life – Alicia Davon”

Alicia Davon 

Juicing Up Your Sex Life 

A fun topic today. This one’s about juicing up your relationship, enlivening it again. Or if you’re single, preparing for when you are in a relationship. My guest is Alicia Davon. She and her husband have an organization that does training with people around increasing presence, awareness, communication, pleasure, and energy in people’s sex lives. 

We talk about what that looks like, how people practice it, and what its first step might be. I think a lot of it really revolves around getting out of autopilot, which we can do when we’re with the same person. We’re busy with stuff and we can just sort of not pay attention and go through the motions. Or we could get really present and have a sense of newness. Even with a partner that we’ve been with for decades.  

What does “Juice” look like over time?  

Generally, Alicia feels that the chemistry and the passion decreases in a relationship by default, and everybody knows that, but not everybody knows what to do about it. Or even knows that something can be done about it outside of just becoming complacent, maybe complaining about it, or splitting up or having affairs. 

She thinks that there’s a very natural wanting to have things be fun and turned on with our partners over time. But then the longer it goes without that – when certain forces come in, like longevity, or kids and growing up and more responsibilities – it can get harder and harder to reconnect. 

How to go about juicing it back up. 

Alicia believes there’s a newness that can be brought into the relationship. When the novelty wears off, it’s just not as exciting. But there’s a lot of inherent chemistry in everybody’s bodies. She has never in her 20 years of working with singles and couples found that somebody’s body was the source of no passion or no chemistry.  

She says it’s often a mindset thing. We get distracted with technology at our fingertips. Or distracted by work and solving problems and managing day-to-day stuff. And also, there are certain skills that are necessary that sort of come easily, or maybe even naturally when we’re first in a relationship. 

So, the path, first of all, is presence into the relationship again. Sometimes we find we’ve been on autopilot for months and years and maybe decades. Bringing that presence could look like just simply like bringing awareness to the fact that we the couple would like more excitement in the relationship. 

Communication is key 

Alicia and her husband Erwan have daily practices that they teach their students. One of them is meditation, which is a great pathway to being in the present and noticing what’s going on. Then there’s what they call psychological inquiry, which a way of connecting with your partner, sharing what’s going on with you and going on in your heart and going on in your mind. 

A full spectrum 

Alicia and Erwan have touching practices that range from close non-sexual touching physical connection all the way down the spectrum to sexual touching and technique.  

She mentions the touching skills are important with couples that want to get back connected. Erwan and Alicia have a set of 12 touching practices that introduce skills like going really slowly, and certain communication skills. 

There’s much more to this fascinating conversation, including how this concept could be utilized by singles as well. Alicia recommends carving out some time to practice and implement “juicing” into your sex life, it’s well worth it!  

About Alicia Davon 

Over the past 25 years, Erwan and Alicia Davon have successfully taught over 12,000 singles and couples how to have exceptional relationships. Erwan and Alicia have become the go-to experts for those seeking a higher level of relationship support. Erwan is the founder, senior teacher and president of San Francisco based Erwan Davon Teachings. Together with Alicia, they specialize in supporting singles in getting into passionate and successful relationships, and helping couples take their relationships to new heights of romance and intimacy. Being based in the Bay Area, Erwan and Alicia provide a high-end boutique service that gives their clients an effective way to enhance their relationships. They also offer all their coaching and classes online and support students all over the world. 

Resources and links: 

Free Love Life Consultation:  

Website: http://www.pleasurecourse.com 

More info and resources:
 
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

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