Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Forget the argument; how to talk to your partner about sex when they aren’t interested

Let’s talk about how to approach your partner about your desire for more intimacy in your relationship.

This is the first pillar of my Intimacy with Ease program that is all about enticing your partner into the process of improving your sex life and becoming teammates in a way that makes intimacy easy for both of you. But to do that, you have to be able to bring up the conversation in a way that makes it easy for them to join you.
What most bedroom burdened couples do is either avoid the topic altogether OR bring it up in ways that end up in fights or hard feelings. So what happens is at least one of you feels defensive, inadequate, or hopeless, and nothing actually gets better in the bedroom. And it gets harder and harder to bring the whole thing up again.
We are going to cover 5 steps for how to actually approach your partner so they are going to want to work with you to address whatever issues you’re having in your love life.
How well do the two of you talk about difficult topics? Are you experts at staying on the same team when you Have differences of opinion or competing needs?
That’s why the very first step is to master communication skills that allow you to talk about the toughest subjects So that you can work as a team on this instead of alienating her or making your partner defensive Good communication creates connection. And you need connection for intimacy. How you are going to have the intimacy (and sex) you want if your communication causes disconnection instead? And I know you may be thinking, But Jessa, we’ve tried talking about this, and it doesn’t go well! In effect, you’re concluding that it’s not worth it to try to talk about it. But the thing is, communication is a skill. There are tools to use so that you can be heard, and so can your partner! What is you could communicate in a way that totally changed the conversation? You can lead the change in how the two of you talk about this.
If you don’t know how to communicate well and keep the conversation connected and supportive, you’re likely to drive your partner away or continue to have sex be a point of tension or conflict. You need to learn the 3 most important skills and a framework for these conversations that allow you to both feel heard And results in feeling like you’re on the same page, same side of the table, working toward win/win.
Step Two is that you have to get clear on what you think is going on, your perspective on what’s happening and how you got here. Because when you do this, you’re able identify what’s going wrong and what you would like to be happening instead. This means you are focused on a positive outcome instead of just focusing on the past.
Step Three is to figure out how you are part of the problem. Every situation is co-created. You may have spent a lot of time in your own feelings of disappointment, rejection, frustration, and despair. You may have been focusing on your partner’s lack of desire and the lack of sex in your relationship. If you keep focusing on what they aren’t doing, they’ll keep feeling broken and guilty and aren’t empowered to change anything. The truth is you have a lot to do with why sex has become difficult, and it’s crucial to focus on your own steps in this dance so that your partner sees you taking responsibility rather than just blaming them. and that encourages them to do the same. This is crucial because this step is what will help your partner be open to the talk rather than getting defensive.
Step Four is to try to get into your partner’s head and imagine what they are feeling about the difficulties you’re having in the bedroom. Now that you’ve taken a look at how you have made things worse, imagine how they experience this whole dance around sex. How does their lack of interest make sense? What are they trying to avoid? What could they be afraid of? Developing this empathy and compassion for their lack of desire helps them get over feeling broken and inadequate. You have to go into this conversation leading with the idea that they are not broken, this is not just their problem. This is the step that will bring them on board as your teammate, so they can want to solve this with you rather than stay stuck.
Step Five is to bring up the conversation in the right way at the right time. Approach it from a positive place – you love them and you want your relationship to be as strong as possible. Tell them it’s not their fault and it’s not just their problem. Tell them you’ve realized that plenty of it is on you. Show them you’re willing to look at your side, take accountability, and be willing to change. Because when you do that you don’t end up in a fight, you create an alliance to work on this together.
You just learned how to approach your partner about how you want to improve intimacy in your relationship, but that’s just the first step. You still need a way to actually change what happens in the bedroom. That’s why you need a way to tap into your partner’s hidden sexual desire; that’s what makes sex easy and fun for both of you. I’ve got a video teed up for you talking about just that!
#85 – [Soapbox] – Talking about Sex with your Partner

#85 – [Soapbox] – Talking about Sex with your Partner

Listen to “85: [Soapbox] – Talking about Sex with your Partner”

Talking about sex with your partner

How can you bring up your sexual concerns with your partner?

On this episode, I focus Ton talking about sex with your partner when things are not going well. It can be uncomfortable to bring up sexual issues with your partner, and it’s for this reason that I have developed a guide that you can access with the link at the end of these notes. 


While these talks may be difficult to broach, they create an arena for constructive feedback and help build healthier relationships. I share that this is how you create a sex life that works for BOTH of you. 

A vital part of this is to first get over any fear you may have about talking about sex. Facing these challenges as a team is crucial to solving them. I outline three different stages for having this type of conversation.  



Like anything, without clarity and knowing what you want, you will have no direction. I emphasize the importance of this step. Highlights are picking up on patterns, emotions, and thoughts in your sex life.  As part of the preparation step, I urge you to identify how you contribute to the problem. “Every situation is co-created.” I bring up a few important questions for you to answer and flesh out in this step. Empathy is also a factor in the preparation step, and I gently guide you around this to help you understand your partner, too. 


Approach your Partner About the Topic 

“Making time is something to consider as opposed to spontaneously bringing up the sex talk. 

talk about the value of having a time limit on your conversation, too.  I genuinely want you to find a solution, and having a collaborative attitude sets a healthy foundation for working together and talking. This will probably not be solved with one go, so expect a series of talks ahead of time. 


How to talk about this 

With collaboration in mind, I urge the use of “I” language. Tune in to learn more about this. I suggest creating space by allowing your partner to tell you how he/she/they feels. In addition to this, “distinguish between what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.” Tune in to hear my advice on filters and managing triggers. You will learn about empathizing and exercising control in this step, too. 


Among other valuable tips, I also emphasize, “Don’t have sex that makes it worse.” Listen for more! 


Important Links  

Link to the guide sex: 

More info and resources:

How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –
Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you:
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner:
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner:
#66: Pam Costa – Women Talking About Sex

#66: Pam Costa – Women Talking About Sex

Listen to “66: Pam Costa – Women Talking About Sex”

The importance of talking about sex

My guest, Pam Costa, spent a decade-and-a-half at both Apple and Facebook. After having a life-changing experience with a sex therapist during a session, she realized that a transition to sex therapy was where she belonged.


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